Your momma so ugli she makes micheal jackson look human
Author: admin
Monkeying Around
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”
Yo momma
yo momma so old she sat next to Rosa Parks on the bus
Depressed Dentist
What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Advertising Campaigns Gone Bad
1. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”
2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as
“Suffer from diarrhea”.
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux”.
4. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to
find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick”.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside,
since many people can’t read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the
shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate”.
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the
company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.
3 nuns and a priest
Two priests were going to have there daily shower but when they reached the showers they discovered they had left there soap back at the dorms. One of the priests, without putting his clothes back on, desided that he would go and fetch the soap.One his way back to the showers with the soap he noticed that there was three nuns heading his way, so he decided to act like a statue.When the nuns reached him they commented on how life like he was. one of the nuns decided that she would tug on the priests penis.She tugged three times and a bar of soap popped out of the priests hand, the nun thought that she had found a soap dispencer.The second nun thought she would have her free soap so she tugged as well and out came the soap.Now it was the third nuns turn so she tugged on the penis and nothing came out so she tugged again and again.The nun was very pleased as the soap dispencer turned out to be a hand lotion machian as well!
Breakfast
Q.What are two things you can not have for breakfast???
A. lunch and dinner
Yo momma’s so ugly
Yo momma’s is so ugly ,when she was born the doctor took one look at her and slapped her mom across the face.
Skool for blondes
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,”We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 2:
“We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 3:
“We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25.”
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
A quote on marriage
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
Fun with Unix
If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get these responses.
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% make ‘heads or tails of all this’
Make: Don’t know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don’t know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don’t know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don’t know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don’t know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )’s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.
% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found
% “How would you rate Clinton’s senility?
Unmatched “.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. ~~
% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.
% who is my match?
No match.
% set i=”Democratic_Platform”;mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable
% awk “Polly, the ship is sinking”
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line 1
% ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.
Escaped Convict
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy night-gown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn`t seen a woman in years.Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.””Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I`m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass.”