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A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his
hair. “Don’t be angry at your sister,” the mother says. “She doesn’t realize
that pulling hair hurts.”
A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, “Now she knows.”
There is this French couple sitting up talking when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
So the father goes to his son’s room and says, “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?”
“Oh yes papa, I remember very well,” says the son.
“Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
In December, Leonard Oak, 51, was convicted of aggravated assault in St. Johnsbury, Vt., for shooting Richard Lavoie in the shoulder. According to an eyewitness, Oak and Lavoie were “playing chicken” with their rifles at Lavoie’s home by firing rounds as close to each other as they could without hitting anything. After Lavoie missed Oak’s head by only 6 inches, Oak shot out a clock in the home, which infuriated Lavoie, who threatened Oak, who then shot Lavoie.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.”That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”
why did the chiken cross the park?
to get to the other slide…
from abigail melarangi
age 8
What type of dog does Micheal Jackson have?
A Labradoor
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I’ll plaster you.
Once upon a time there were three kids named shutup,stupidandmaners.One day they were looking for stupid and a police came up to stupid and said whats your name? shutup wats your name?shutupwats your name?shutupwheres your? maners over there.
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say “my darling”. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: “Pardon?”
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go
drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on
this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved
most of the earth.”
Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago”
Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used
to.
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s
distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, its a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a sin any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he
screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much
of a coincidence.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need more tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements
coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes
Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go
act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.(R&D
Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg.
executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my
boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,”That
would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform
you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New
Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted
me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t
stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me
her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word
“pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he
looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send
to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a
memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be
found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation
letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)