Due to critical problems with prior issues, it was announced today
that new Treasury Bonds will soon be issued:
The Monica, does not mature;
The Gore, has no interest;
The Clinton, has no principle
Author: admin
Your dady is so fat
your dady is so fat wen he sats on a cloud it dount just rain it hells.
The results of statistics
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed2. All polar bears are left-handed3. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles3. Work stuffs up your eyesight1. All dogs are animals2. All cats are animals3. Therefore, all dogs are cats1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
Noun
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you
can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
I Must Call My Mom
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, “I don’t have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland.”
To that the man asks, “Anything?” And the blonde says “Yes…anything!” With that, the man says “Follow me.” He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close the door.” She does!!
He then says, “Get on your knees.” She does.
He then says, “Take down my zipper.” She does.
He then says, “Go ahead… Take it out.” With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, “Well. Go ahead!” She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, “Hello? Mom?”
Military Blow Job
Why is being in the military like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Hunting?
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in
the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to
see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, “Don, you’ve got two choices, either
I maul you to death or we have sex.” Don decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There
was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing
right next to him. The Grizzly said, “That was a huge mistake Don. You’ve got
two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.” Again, Don
thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot
it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his
shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.
The Polar Bear said, “Admit it Don, you don’t really come here for the
hunting, do you?”
The disney land road sign
two blondes were driving to disneyland. when they came to a fork in the road, a sign said disneyland left. so they went home
The knack of flying
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
– Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxiy
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
T-Shirt and Lighter Sayings
1. Men aren’t pigs. Pigs are intelligent, sensitive, caring
animals.
2. I’m not drunk you shilly sit
3. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all it’s
students
4. Procrastinators Unite….Tomorrow
5. Caution, Blonde thinking
6. Beauty is in the eye of the Beerholder
7. Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting
any
8. I’d kiss you, but I have a strong gag reflex
9. Queen of the bad girls
10. It looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks
11. Men are like outhouses, always taking and full of crap
12. Instant Human, just add coffee
13. Dog and Husband missing, 100$ reward for return of dog
14. Face it…sometimes you’re the dog…and sometimes you’re
the fire hydrant
15. Money isn’t everything…but it keeps the kids in touch
16. Beer…4 out of 5 people prefer it to Prozac
17. I smile because you’ve all finally driven me INSANE
18. I feel better now that I’ve lost all hope
19. Lost in thought…a deep, dark, unfamiliar place
20. Let me show you how we do it in the trailer park
21. If you want sunshine, go to the beach
22. Looking for a 10…will settle for a 5
Outside a Church:…
Outside a Church:
No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.
2 for a pound
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5000 quid.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as own-payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Sainsbury’s supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
When Artie was tried and found guilty, the headlines read, ‘Artie Chokes Two for a Pound at Sainsbury’s!’