A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?””Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned.”You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.””That’s right, Dad.””Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.””That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”
Author: admin
Whats the difference
What is the difference between an Iranian and an Iraqi?
Same dad, different camel.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Caught Speeding
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?” “Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man. “Um, yeah…” the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”
Catholic School Math
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.
His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.
They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boy’s math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.
His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. “Was it better teaching” they asked and the boy said “No the teachers are about the same”. “Was it a different text book?” Again the boy said “No it is the same text book”
Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said “the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.”
Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered “the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign.”
Mary had a little lamb
mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in a bucket,
everytime it got out the dog tried to….
lick its face! (if u dont get it your an idiot)
Fucker
one day a guy named pussy walked in the house and said hi to his wife dick head. he asked dick head if she wanted to get it going on but she said no because she had to go to an apointment.
When she got there the doctor asked dick head if she had balls to go with her dick she said yes!!!
So then the guy had an apointment and the doctor asked if he had boobs to go with his pussy. and he said yes.
So later that night Pussy and dick head had sex and dick head asked pussy what happened to your boobs and he said I was having sex with a bartender and a dog came and ripped off my boobs!!!
Ironic
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last and best . . . . .
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
Nerds Rule!
In answer to the eternal question, “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”, I submit the following:
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be ‘reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!
Limit every time
A fellow wanted to learn how to duck hunt but could not find anybody who would take him out to learn how so he st a rted to hunt by himself. He felt frusterated after five day’s hunting without getting the first feather much less a shot.So he goes back to the boat launch to go home and see’s a fellow coming in with the front of his boat full of ducks and thinks to himself damn I think i’ll go over and ask him if he needs a hand and maybe i’ll learn a secret or two, So he say’s to the hunter with a bag over his head Sir can I help you with loadind up your boat and the man with the bag on his head said sure. So did you have any luck today? The new hunter said he hadn’t shot at a duck in five days and the man said do you want me to take you out so you can get your limit? the new hunter said sure I’d love to maybe you can teach me a thing or two, on the way out the hunter ask why the man still had the bag on his head and he said i’ll show you in a minute. They threw out some decoys and the man said are you ready ? now watch close and he began to blow his caller and the ducks were all over the place then all of a sudden he pulled the bag off and ducks were falling out of the sky everywere, and the new hunter started screaming for the man to put the bag back on for he was one ugly dude and looked bad bad.They picked up all the ducks and on the way in the new hunter said thank you and that he was sorry, and the man said sorry for what? and the new hunter said for hurting your feelings when I yeld for you to put the bag back on,He said hell son don’t be I know I’m ugly my wife is ugly my kids are ugly were one big ugly family. The new hunter said sooo does your wife like to duck hunt with you? and the man said oh she loves to duck hunt. then the new hunter said well do you bring her out much? The man with the mask said ohhh nooo she bust them up to bad…
Un tipo acude a un
Un tipo acude a un consultorio m�dico para hacerse el examen de la pr�stata. El galeno le explica:
“Se�or, de acuerdo a la comunicaci�n oficial que el Colegio de M�dicos me ha hecho llegar esta misma ma�ana, es mi obligaci�n comenzar a practicar los ex�menes de pr�stata de acuerdo al m�s reciente m�todo aprobado por la Organizaci�n Panamericana de la Salud, el cual consiste en la introducci�n de mi pene para los efectos del chequeo respectivo; esto porque se descubri� que con la introducci�n del dedo se producen peque�as pero significativas lesiones en el recto del paciente derivado del roce de las u�as”.
El paciente, evidentemente sorprendido, replica con vehemencia:
“Doctor, �c�mo puede usted decirme tal cosa? �Por qui�n me est� tomando? �Cree que soy imb�cil o qu�?”
“No, se�or. Perd�neme, pero yo estoy obligado, por el juramento que hice, a practicar mi profesi�n de acuerdo a las normativas establecidas. Por eso ahora debo practicarle el examen de pr�stata con introducci�n de mi pene, porque esa es la orden expresa del Colegio de M�dicos… Si lo desea m�rchese, o bien qu�dese para que yo haga mi trabajo por el bien de su salud”.
El afectado, viendo que en realidad con ir donde otro m�dico no se salvar�a del flamante “m�todo”, al ser �ste una norma gremial, accedi� a practicarse el chequeo de esta forma. Y bien, ya estaba el m�dico en lo suyo cuando dice el paciente:
El afectado, pensando que de nada servir�a acudir con otro m�dico porque tal vez no se salvar�a del flamante ‘m�todo’, al ser �ste una norma gremial, accede a practicarse el chequeo de esa forma. Cuando ya el facultativo est� en lo suyo, el paciente t�midamente le solicita:
“Doctor, �me puede hacer un favorcito?”
“S�, se�or, con mucho gusto”.
“Sea tan amable de cerrar la puerta, que la gente va a creer que me est� culeando…”
Kittens
A little boy was walking down the street pulling a wagon with a new litter of kittens in it.
Bill Clinton approached him and said “What cute little kittens you have there, young man. What kind are they?”
The little boy said, “They’re Democrats.” Bill Clinton said, Oh, how nice and moved on.
A week are so later, the little boy is again pulling the kittens down the street.
Bill Clinton and George Bush are walking together and approach the little boy.
George Bush said, “Those are some cute kittens. What kind are they?” The little boy said, “They’re Republicans.”
Bill Clinton said, “Now, wait just a minute! Last time I saw you with those same kittens, you told me they were Democrats.”
The little boy smiled and replied, “Yes Sir, but they have their eyes open now.”
Una pareja fue entrevistada en
Una pareja fue entrevistada en un programa de televisi�n porque estaban casados desde hac�a 50 a�os y jam�s se hab�an peleado.
El periodista, lleno de curiosidad, pregunta a la mujer:
“�Pero ustedes, nunca han discutido?”
“No”, responde la mujer.
“�Y c�mo es eso?
“Bien, cuando nos casamos mi marido ten�a una yegua que apreciaba much�simo. Era la criatura que �l m�s quer�a en la vida. El d�a de nuestra boda fuimos de luna de miel en nuestro carro tirado por la yegua. Anduvimos algunos metros y la yegua tropez�. Mi marido le dijo con voz firme a la yegua:
Uno.
Pero unos metros m�s adelante la yegua tropez� de nuevo. Mi marido mir� a
la yegua y dijo:
Dos.
La tercera vez que se tropez�, sac� su pistola y le peg� cinco tiros a la criaturita. Yo, totalmente sorprendida le recrimin�:
�Pero por qu� has hecho semejante cosa, hombre?
Mi marido me mir� y dijo:
Uno”.