Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Author: admin
For every problem, there is
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution…and it is always wrong.
Making Puppies
A MOTHER AND HER FIVE YEAR OLD SON ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM DAYCARE WHEN THE CHILD SEES TWO DOGS IN A FIELD SCREWING. PUZZLED, THE CHILD ASKS THE MOM WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE MOM NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER SAYS THEY ARE BUSY MAKING PUPPIES.
LATER THAT EVENING WHEN EVERYONE IS IN BED MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE YOUNG BOY WALKS IN.
DADDY, HE SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL SON HE SAID, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE DECIDED ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
THE BOY STARTS CRYING AND SAYS, NO DADDY, TURN MOMMY OVER, I’D RATHER HAVE A PUPPY!
One of them died
A life long supporter of the Labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.
“But why?” asked his puzzled friend, “You’re Labour through and through? Why change now?”
The man learned forward and explained, “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Mother’s Milk and Old Henry
Old Henry has been sick for quite some time, and could no longer stand the doldrums he was in, so he decided to see his good friend, Dr. Herb Cohen.After a thorough examination, Dr. Cohen told his friend, Henry, ” Henry, you have a very rare disease and the only thing that can help you is to have a daily drink of fresh milk from a young mother.”That didn’t sound too bad to Henry, and after several days of looking for the right person, they found a young mother who was willing to sell her milk. So, for the first couple of days Henry showed up at the beautiful young lady’s house at 2:00 sharp, and proceeded to imbibe of the woman’s breast milk.On the fifth day, the young lady was beginning to get accustomed to Henry, and with him nuzzling her breasts, she was becoming a bit erotic. So, as Henry was about to finish drinking the milk of the woman that day, she said to him seductively, “Well, Henry, is there anything else you would like?”Henry thought for a moment, and then replied, “Yes, if you would be so kind, and it’s not too much trouble, maybe an Oreo cookie?”
Hickbonics
Fur yer reedin’ plesur… HICKBONICS
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some
of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through
Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics,” as a
language tobe taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this
language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from
the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI – (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage:
Heidi, Hire yew?”
BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage:
“My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left
$20,000,000 in improvements.”
MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah
thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage:
“Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope
my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – (noun) – A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from
Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s
gonna catch far.”
TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother
of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the
creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime.”
RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at
age 65.”
FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle
or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup
y’uh.”
RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We
Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand
a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”
DID – (adjective) – Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He
cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: “Jew here that
my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze
ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n’is laf.”
SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never
seed New York City… view?”
GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them
gubmint boys shore is ignert.”
Baseball Game
what has 18 legs and cathces flies?
A baseball team.
Money for panties!
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Never make anything simple and
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found
to make it complex and wonderful.
Social Security
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
No cigar
Who do you think had more sex in the Whitehouse?
J.F.K. or Clinton?
J.F.K. was close but, no cigar!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Golf Match
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu,
the leader of Israel.
�Your Holiness,� said one of the Cardinals, �Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Jewish and Catholic faiths.�
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand, �Have we not,� he asked, �a cardinal who can represent me against the
leader of Israel?�
�None that plays golf very well,� a cardinal said. �But,� he added, �there is
a man named Jack Nicolas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can
offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we�ll also win the match.�
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicolas was
honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicolas reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
�I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,� said the golfer.
�Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicolas,� said the Pope.
�Well,� you�re Holiness, �I don�t like to brag, but even though I�ve played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and
true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all
due respect, my play was truly miraculous.�
�There�s bad news?� the Pope asked.
Nicolas sighed. �I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.�