Author: admin

“Doctor, How Can I Fix My Problem?”

Posted on by admin

There was once a man who could not get his penis up.
His wife was sad. They had no fun,
So one day the man went to the doctors
to get a perscription for his problem.
“We don’t like to just give drugs out” the doctor said.
“I want you to try something and if it doesn’t work come back.”
“What?” the man asked.
“When your wife is asleep,
Stick your finger in her pussy
and sniff your fingers.”
“Do you think it will really work?”
The doctor was sure.
So, the next night when his wife lay next to him in bed,
he did what the doctor said.
He sniffed those fingers and found them to be good.
He realized it worked, he realized he could.
“Honey, Honey!!” he called. “Wake up!”
With a grunt she turned on the light,
looked her husband in the face, and said

“You woke me to tell me you have a nose bleed!!”

Buttercup Fairy

Posted on by admin

The other day I was out playing some golf, and my ball landed on
the rough in a patch of buttercups.

As I lifted my club in the air I heard a faint voice, “Please
don’t hurt my buttercups, buttercups.”

I lowered my club and took a quick glance back and forth to make
sure that I was alone. Satisfied that I was alone, I began to
raise my club, and again came the same voice, this time a bit
louder, “Please don’t hurt my buttercups, buttercups.”

This time I was so sure of the voice that I spoke aloud, “Hello,
is someone out there.”

No sooner than I had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared
before me. “I am the forest fairy, if you don’t hurt my
buttercups then I’ll give you all the butter you could want for
the rest of your life.”

And so I replied, “Where the hell where you when I was in the
pussywillows?”

Packers vs Vikings

Posted on by admin

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.

That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, “I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.” So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, “Well, how about it, are they cheating?”

“They sure are!” the player reported, “They’re cutting holes in the ice.”

Christmas Shopping

Posted on by admin

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manilla rope. No one knows why.

Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant

Posted on by admin

1. Fission shmission, relax, I’ll increase the water level after my coffee break.

2. Was that “Open valve A and close valve B” or was it the other way round?

3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.

4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?

6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT????

7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.

8. A leak? Can’t you fix it with duct tape or something?

9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

10. It’s Russian technology.

11. Move over Three Mile Island – here we come !!!

12. Sniff, sniff…. you smell that?

13. I used to work at Chernobyl.

14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

15. It’s your turn to wax the core.

16. How come all the big shots are leaving?

17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?

18. Is this part really necessary?

19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn’t finish it, though.

20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

Best Friends

Posted on by admin

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”

10 Times More to Husband

Posted on by admin

A lady has an ugly divorce with her husband. One day she finds a
lamp. She rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie told her, “I will make 3 of your wishes come true…
BUT, the wish you ask for will be done 10 times more to your
husband.”

The lady though for a second and says, “Ok, I want to be the
richest lady ever. I want to be the prettiest lady ever. And I
want a little-bitsy heart attack….”

Panda in a Bar

Posted on by admin

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please” so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!”
the panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?”
“Why yes,” the barman answered. “Your a panda.”
“Good,” the panda nodded “Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.” And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Hot Stock

Posted on by admin

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.”I think this one will really move,” said the broker.”It’s only $1 a share.””Buy me 1,000 shares,” said the client.The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.”The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares.””Great!” said the broker.The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”The broker asked, “To who? You were the only one buying that stock.”