Your momma so ugli she makes micheal jackson look human
Author: admin
Ex-Wife’s Wish
A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible,
divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has
nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks
this bottle.
Out comes a Genie, and he says “I see you are a divorcee, a I
hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past
10,000,000 years!!!, however, you did free me, and I will give
you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much.”
She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for
her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million
dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get ten million.
then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world,
but then realizes that her ex will look even better.
After a long time of thinking she says “I know what I want. I
realize that my ex will get 5 times as much, and anyways, I
decided that I want to marry a handsome man, and give birth to
his child.”
Jesus joker
what has doctor spock and the iraq got in common they have both been fucked by vulcans
The Garden of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.”Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit.”They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees.”They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.””No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”
Money gram
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.
He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the hooker said: “$100 dollars.”
The guy said: “No, here is $200.”
Hooker responded: “You’re so kind.”
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.
Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: “No, here’s $200.”
Hooker says: “You’re so kind.”
More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.
Hooker says: “$100, please.”
The guy slaps her and hands her $200.
Hooker says: “Man, you’re so kind. Where are you from?”
Guy says: “I’m from Texas.”
The hooker says: “I am from there too.”
The guy says: “I know, your mom sent me to give you $600.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
If you do something right
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
No Cussing In Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he
stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said,
“Preacher, I’ll tell you WHAT, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d
rather you didn’t use
that kind of language in the Lord’s House.
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with
that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering
plate!”
The preacher said, “No ediot?”
Fun with Unix
If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get these responses.
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% got a light?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% make ‘heads or tails of all this’
Make: Don’t know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don’t know how to make sense. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don’t know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make bottle.open
Make: Don’t know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% make light
Make: Don’t know how to make light. Stop.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?
Too many )’s.
% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.
% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.
% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found
% “How would you rate Clinton’s senility?
Unmatched “.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. ~~
% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.
% who is my match?
No match.
% set i=”Democratic_Platform”;mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable
% awk “Polly, the ship is sinking”
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line 1
% ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.
Rocket scientists
Q: what did the left knee say to the right knee?
A: Check out those nuts there launching off a rocket.
Skool for blondes
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,”We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 2:
“We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 3:
“We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25.”
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Chinese Fence
Q: What do you call a chinese woman the size of a fence?
A: Pai Ling
(pailing)
A quote on marriage
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.