Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey Dave, how ya doin?’His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘Oh no,’ says Dave. ‘He’s on my bowling team.’When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ‘You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”No honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.’A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ‘Hi Davey,’ she says, ‘Want your usual table dance?’Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.The cabby turns his head and says, ‘Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.’
Author: admin
Se encuentran tres mujeres por
Se encuentran tres mujeres por la calle, dos de ellas llevan abrigos de vis�n y van muy enjoyadas; la tercera, extra�ada, les pregunta:
“�C�mo hac�is para ir tan lujosas?”
“�Ay, hija, porque podemos!”
“Uy, hay que ver lo mal que pronunci�is la ‘jota'”, contesta la tercera.
Married Life
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck
Bar Room Translations
1. “You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)
(I’m easy.)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)
(I’m gay.)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)
(I’m horny.)
10. “Who’s got the next round?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor’s Note – one of my personal favorites)
13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. “What do you have on tap?”
(What’s cheap?)
16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
(I’m *really* gay.)
17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
(I’m *really* easy.)
18. “That person looks really familiar.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)
(I’m 19.)
21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)
(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
Decision
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
He sat quietly, pondering this profound question.
Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, “I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
$3.99 a minute.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
generous drinker
a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i don’t have any money today, I’ll have to pay you later. the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. about a month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, the drinks are on me everybody including you bartender. after everyone had their drink, the bartender give him the bill, again the man said, IM broke today bartender, I’ll have to pay you later. again the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. another month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, hey everybody, the drinks are on me. The bartender said, hey what about me? The man said forget it buddy, you get mean when you drink.
Thunderstorm
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said, “I have to sleep with Daddy.”
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”
Look at the dick on that horse!
Bill Clinton was riding a horse in a parade. When it was over, he commented to
Hillary that the horse he was riding must have been quite a stallion. Hillary
said that she knew the horse he was riding happened to be a gelding.
Bill said, “I know it was a stallion because I kept hearing people say, ‘Look
at the dick on that horse!'”
Desk clerk at a hotel
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time
the bar opens.
“It opens at noon�, answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before – noon�, replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whatnot shay the bar
opines at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have
room service send something up to you�.
“No! I don’t want to get in, ah want to get OUT!”
There was just a dog fight
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler
outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your
little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
There was a guy walking down the street and…
There was a guy walking down the street and he bumped into an old
buddy, Steve. Mark (the first guy) and Steve get talking and Mark asks Steve
what he’s been up to.
“I’m going to university,” says Steve.
“Oh, really. What are you taking?” asks Mark.
“Philosophy,” he says.
“What kind of philosophy?”
“Logic, actually,” says Steve.
“What’s logic?” asks Mark.
“Well, it’s kind of like this — have you got a fishbowl, Mark?”
“Yeah, I do as a matter of fact.”
“Well, if you’ve got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don’t you.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?”
“Yeah, I love animals.”
“Well, if you love animals, I’d say there was a probability that you
like people as well.”
“Yeah, I do. I like people.”
“And if you like people, I’ll bet you like women.”
“That’s for sure!”
“And, Mark, if you like women I’d be willing to bet that you like sex.”
“Geez, Steve, I love sex.”
“Well that’s the way it works, Mark — that’s logic.”
“Wow, that’s great,” says Mark.
At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued
on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul.
They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes
earlier.
“Oh, really. What’s he up to these days?” asks Paul.
“He’s at university,” says Mark.
“What’s he taking?” asks Paul.
“Logic,” says Mark.
“What’s logic?” asks Paul.
“Well, let me see — it’s sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish
bowl?”
“No, I haven’t, Mark.”
“What are you, some kind of fag?” says Mark indignantly.