Q: Why are driver’s education classes held only three days a week in
Arkansas?
A: The cars are needed the other two days for sex education.
Author: admin
Your momma is so fat
Your momma is so fat that when she steps on scales they say i want your wieght, not your phone number
Her asshole
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
Sends him to work.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
The Boy
there was a boy, he didn’t know any word
so one day his mum said go buy a bun, a bucket and a
cockerspaniel
so he went to the bakery and said can i please have a bum
and the baker said don’t you mean a bun and the boy yes yes.
then he went to the super market and said can i please have a
fucket
and then the man said don,t you mean a bucket the boy yes yes.
then he went to the pet shop and said may i please and cock and
spank it and then the women said don,t you mean a cockerspaniel
the boy said yes please.
he was on the bus home and the cockerspaniel jumped out the
window and he went to bus driver and said may you please hold my
bum and fucket while i go get my cock and spank it.
Burning Calories
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look
how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement – 12 cal
Without her agreement – 187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands – 8 cal
With one hand – 12 cal
With one hand being slapped – 37 cal
With the mouth – 85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection – 6 cal
Without erection – 315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris – 8 cal
Trying to find G spot – 92 cal
Without caring at all – 0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up – 12 cal
Just on the floor – 8 cal
POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy – 12 cal
69 laying – 8 cal
69 standing up – 112 cal
Trolley – 216 cal
Italian chandelier – 912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real – 112 cal
Fake – 315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed – 8 cal
Jumping off the bed – 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal
from 20 to 29 – 36 cal
from 30 to 39 – 108 cal
from 40 to 49 – 324 cal
from 50 to 59 – 972 cal
over 60 – 2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly – 32 cal
Being in a hurry – 98 cal
With her husband opening the door- 218 cal
Assisted Suicide
One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but
unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,� where�s my heart located?”
”On a woman, it’s usually located under her left breast,” the doctor
replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot
wound to the knee.
Don’t tell the truth…please!
Why did Minney Mouse get kicked out of the sandbox?Because she sat on Pinocchio’s nose and said, “Lie to me, lie to me!”
Ass stretcher
A woman is speeding to work because she is late.
She is pulled over by a trooper,and asks where are you off to in a hurry and she replied that she is late for and the cop asked what she does and she says, im an ass stretcher and he says whats that?
she says im an ass stretcher and he said please repeat that?
she says im an ass stretcher and he said well what do you do with them?
she says i take an asshole and i stretch it for awhile until its 6 feet long.
the cop replied what would u do with a 6 foot asshole and she say i would give it a gun and a night stick
Too late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked
home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. “What are you
doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.
Elevator
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know….
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist.”
The second guy says, “I’m a D.I.N.K.Y, you know…
Double Income, No kids, Yet!”
The third guy says. “I’m a R.U.B, you know….
Rich, Urban , Biker.”
They turn to the woman and ask her ,
“What are you?”
She replies: “I’m a W.I.F.E., you know….
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc..”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
President of France
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
Bush Sues Santa
Just in off the AP wire…
BUSH SUES SANTA
AUSTIN, TX – Dec.15 – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”
“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the “nice” list, filing them under “naughty” instead because “everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats.”
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “fuzzy math up there at the North Pole.”
“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ’em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony that she’s asked for.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him. “He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokes-elf. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”