Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
Author: admin
Letter to God
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted.”Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”
Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Johny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.
Johnny’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either . Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go
church.
“Just be home in time for dinner”, his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I’VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
Sprint vs. Monica
What’s the difference between Sprint and Monica Lewinsky?
They’re both ten cents a minute, but you can always bargain.
Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?”
The other replies, “Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.”
So that night he did and God replied, “You are what you are.”
The next day he said to the other
zebra, “I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.”
The second zebra responds, “You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, ‘Yo is what yo is.'”
Q: How many existentialists
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Buy Buy Buy!
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”
“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”
“Great!” said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”
The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”
Difference between people and jelly beans
what is the difference between people and jelly beans
nothing everybody hates the black ones
Confucius say
man who drop watch in toilet going to have shitty time!
The Businessman’s Medical Problem
A businessman returns from the Far East. After a few days he notices strange
growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: �You’ve been
screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We’ll have to cut
it off.� The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know
how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, “You’ve been fooling around in my country.
This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?�
The man replies, �Yes a few in the USA.�
The doctor says, “I bet they told you it had to be cut off.”
The man answers, “Yes!”
The doctor smiles, nods, “That is not correct. It will fall off by itself.”
Un mec�nico le prest� a
Un mec�nico le prest� a un colega suyo un taladro y, como �ste llevaba alg�n tiempo sin que se lo devolviese, decidi� llamarlo por tel�fono para record�rselo.
Cuando aquel le contest� le dijo: “O�me bien, Roberto. �C�mo est�s?”
“Bien, Romualdo. Gracias. �Dime qu� deseas?”
“Pues hombre, que te estoy llamando por el taladro”.
“No jod�s, pero se te oye muy clarito, sin ruidos ni interferencias”.
21 ways to survive the dullest of church
– Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
– See if a yawn really is contagious
– Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the bishop
– Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
– Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so
on through the alphabet.
– Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble
that made it to the front
– Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design,
test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
– Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
front, under the pews, without being noticed.
– Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
– Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your
nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
– If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
– Pretend to be 4 years old
– Try to indicate to the bishop that his fly is undone
– By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt
inside out.
– Try to raise one eyebrow
– Crack your knuckles
– Think about your chin for an entire minute
– Twiddle your thumbs
– Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
– Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
– Practice smiling insincerely
You’re in big trouble
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN… …the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me. …the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. …my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.” …I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. …my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. …the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. …the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract. …I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. …my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. …my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.” …three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job. …the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes. …a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets. …the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling on me.