Why does Scots wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper miles away………..
Author: admin
Mamma
your mamma is so stpid shes stupid
Very Hairy
A very hairy man sat next to this bald man, the bald man asked for a donation and the hairy man said: I am very hairy….
Soldier Standing at Attention?
One day a man was at work and his employee noticed that his fly
was open so she said, “Mr. Curtis, your bear store is open.”
He finally realized what she was talking about and decided to
have a little fun…. “When you noticed that my Bear Store was
open did you see a soldier standing at attention next to two
barrells or ammo?!” said Mr. Curtis.
“No I didn’t,” she replied, “I saw a handicapped veteran sitting
on some old duffle bags!”
Dragging Harry
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.
As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
“What happened?” says the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”
“Harry had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.
“Oh, that’s terrible,” says the wife.
“I know,” the husband answers. “All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Two blondes
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, “How do you get to the other side?”
“You are on the other side,” the other blonde yells back.
White Gown?
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”.
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”
The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is.
You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…”
Rooster and donkey
One guy says to the other….imagine a fence and on one side that is where you live and i live on the other side..i have a rooster and you have a donkey…one day my rooster and your donkey were at the fence and your donkey bit both of my roosters legs off now what would that be called……the guy says well i dont know why dont you tell me. so the other guy replies…….that would be 2 feet of my cock in your ass…
WARNING: These are RUDE.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she’ll swallow.
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.’
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie,”only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she’s 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. “Are you In?” or “Is It In?”
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. “Honey, I’m home!”
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What’s the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What’s good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Be Black for Me
Here’s something that ran in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on 2/24/97. The author is Ethel Morgan Smith of West Virginia University. ‘Be Black for Me’I am glad February is almost over. It’s during this month that everyone is looking for me – or rather, anyone who can come and be black for them. I’m the only African-American professor in my university department of 50 faculty members. I reside in a world that is predominantly white and male: a land-grant state university with about 20,000 students, 5 percent of whom are African-Americans.During February, my mailbox is overflowing. Most of the mail wants me to represent ‘my people’ for some worthwhile organization during the month of February and February only. Sometimes the tone is pleasant. I generally accept those. Most often the tone is not pleasant. I group the mail into categories of ‘accept for sure,’ ‘decline for sure,’ ‘maybe’ and ‘I’ll get back to you.’ I’ve had letters that point out (if not in so many words) that their tax dollars pay my salary and they rightfully deserve a piece of me. The least I can do, these letters imply, is come and be black for them. I dump those requests in my recycling bin.I also get numerous calls. A pleasant woman from the arts council needed someone to attend her luncheon book-club meeting at her house. One of my colleagues, whom I haven’t even met, gave her my telephone number. Her group is thinking of including a black writer on its reading list next year. I accept her pleasant invitation. It doesn’t conflict with my calendar. I can be black that Wednesday.Someone knocks on my door. A graduate student, white male, wants me to be a member of his thesis committee. A portion of his writing will be on the impact of contemporary African-American women authors on American literature. He’s a good student. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I want to know when I can expect some of his work.Another student drops by. She is African-American and can’t decide if she’s angry with me or not. Last semester I thought she was being self-righteous (as I think many students are) when she screamed at me in class for selecting a novel whose protagonist, a black man, was married to a white woman. The student said that the protagonist wasn’t really black because he was married to a white woman. I blew up at her in class and asked her who made her God of Blackness? I don’t think I apologized to her. She wants to talk about what to do with the rest of her life. I suggest improving her grades. She leaves before I can thank her for coming.I get back to sorting the mail. Five more organizations have submitted requests for me to come and be black. Another knock on my door. It’s two white students, male and female, from last semester’s African-American literature class. They (well, he, since the male speaks for the female) liked my class and learned a lot, but thought they would offer me some advice. He tells me that the black kids, all four of them, wanted to speak too much in class when I asked for comments or specific questions about the text. I remind them that everyone was given ample opportunity to speak. The student tells me that it was also annoying that ‘they’ always sat together. I point out that all of the white students sat together as well. My two visitors leave.Someone else knocks on my door. It’s my colleague whose office is down the hall. He calls himself a folklorist. He, too, wants me to come and be black for his group. Another colleague drops by. A white male who’s fascinated by Africa wants me to know that if I have any interest in going to see my homeland, he is the man to help me get there. I tell him that Alabama is my homeland. My boss comes by next. He wants me to be a part of a new task force on diversity. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I have to get home. It’s nearing the end of come-and-be-black-for-me month and I need my rest.
3 nuns and a priest
Two priests were going to have there daily shower but when they reached the showers they discovered they had left there soap back at the dorms. One of the priests, without putting his clothes back on, desided that he would go and fetch the soap.One his way back to the showers with the soap he noticed that there was three nuns heading his way, so he decided to act like a statue.When the nuns reached him they commented on how life like he was. one of the nuns decided that she would tug on the priests penis.She tugged three times and a bar of soap popped out of the priests hand, the nun thought that she had found a soap dispencer.The second nun thought she would have her free soap so she tugged as well and out came the soap.Now it was the third nuns turn so she tugged on the penis and nothing came out so she tugged again and again.The nun was very pleased as the soap dispencer turned out to be a hand lotion machian as well!
Skool for blondes
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,”We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 2:
“We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 3:
“We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25.”
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo