admin – Page 1976 – Purpee Jokes

Lleg� un circo al pueblo

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

Lleg� un circo al pueblo y tra�a como centro de espect�culo al “pan que habla”. “�Sensacional�somoooo, el pan que habla!”

La gente se preguntaba y admiraba dec�an, “Oh, �un pan que habla? tendremos que ir a verlo.”

Lleg� la hora del espect�culo y despu�s de presentar a la mujer manguera (mangos, mangos, a la orden los mangos), a los elefantes (choco choco crispi, choco chocolate), al puma (Amalia, Amalia, Amalia, Amalia Rosa esa es la que yo me llevo, esa es la que yo me llevo por ser la m�s buena moza), lleg� el esperado, el �nico, el espectacular, el increible PAN QUE HABLA.

En ese momento el anunciador pide que una muchacha del p�blico colabore. De inmediato introducen un horno muy grande y dice el anunciador, “Ahora con ustedes EL PAN QUE HABLA.”

y sacaron un pan del horno. El anunciador pide a la muchacha que le meta el dedo al pan, ella le mete el dedo al pan y lo saca de inmediato. El anunciador le pregunta, “�C�mo est� el pan, duro o blando?”

“Blando.”

“�Bravo, aplausos, EL PAN ESTA HA BLANDO!”

Cinderella and Alan

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’
The Fairy Godmother replied: ‘Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. ‘I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.’ Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said ‘Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!’ The Fairy Godmother replied ‘It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: ‘I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.’

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: ‘You have one more wish, what shall you have?’

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. ‘I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.’ Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: ‘Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.’ With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, ‘I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?’

Giving

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

“You made over $600,000 last year but you haven’t given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?”

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, “If you only knew…

My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.
My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.
My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.”

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer’s profits.

The lawyer nodded and said, “Exactly…
Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don’t even give to my own family!”

Top 16 Fatal Things to say to your Pregnant Wife

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

1. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs
forty pounds.”

2. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!”

3. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby
forever!”

4. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.”

5. “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

6. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that’s gotta hurt!”

7. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!”

8. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of
childbirth?”

9. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

10. “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”

11. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

12. “Got milk?”

13. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

14. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!”

15. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

16. “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask
questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I
know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born,
because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but
it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was
funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Lego’s, or notes under the door. Even when you were two
this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you
face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another
room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

If I Had A Vagina

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked “how much is it for a hand job?”The women replied ” $500 dollars sir” “$500 dollars! That�s a lot of money are you any good?””Well sir you see that car out there?”The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.”Yes,” said the man. “Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs”, with that statement the man agreed to the service. The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked “Miss, do you do blow jobs?”�Why yes I do, it costs $80” “$80 Wow!, are they any good because that�s a lot of money.””Well you see that building out there?”The woman pointed to a company office building.”Yes” said the man. “Well, I paid for that company with all the money I’ve made doing blow jobs!” the man agreed and the women did the service. The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked “Miss would you have sex with me?”To which the woman replied, “You see that island out there?”The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said “don’t tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?””No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!”

In an office: WOULD THE

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Hail Storm

Posted on March 4, 2017March 4, 2009 by admin

A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hailstorm. The hail stones were very large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car.
The attendant, being a smart-ass, told her: “Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents.”

When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that. While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around her car’s tailpipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out, her roommate-also a blonde-came home.

Her roommate of course asked her what the heck she was doing.

The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was how she could get the dents out.

The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said: “Like, uh, you have to roll-up the windows first.”