Q:What is Michael Jackson’s downfall when it comes to making friends?
A: He is two faced.
Author: admin
USS Lincoln
Transcript of the actual radio conversation, of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of these ships.
Canadians: This is the Newfoundland lighthouse. Your call!
What a Prize!
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
The Mexicans and the Colors
One day there were 3 mexicans(they do speak good english)
crossing the boarder. The cops pull them over and asked for
their green card. The first mexican said,” We dont have any
green cards but is there any way we can get out of it.” The cops
said,”If u can give me a sentence using green, yellow, and pink
I’ll let u guys go.” So he asked the first 2 mexicans and they
were all confused. The third mexcans said with his mexican
accent, “Sure i do it ‘The fone went green, green I pink it up
and say yellow'”
One life saved…
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”
“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly…
“My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”
Fishing is Better Th
* When you go fishin’ and you catch something,’ that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something,’ that’s bad.* Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither. And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.* In fishin’ you lie about the one that got away. In lovin’ you lie about the one you caught.* You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.* You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.* Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.
Top reasons to study Economics
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.”
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how
they turned out.
5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are
there.
6. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”.
7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get
taught that reward is its own virtue.
8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the
law of diminishing marginal utility.
9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something
to talk about.
En un monasterio hab�a un
En un monasterio hab�a un sacerdote que acostumbraba ba�arse todas las noches en su tina, ayudado por una hermana religiosa, quien hab�a sido educada en la misi�n de ayudar al padre, sin pudor, en lo que necesitara durante su ba�o cotidiano.
Una ma�ana, la hermana se encuentra con la madre superiora y le comenta:
“Madre, he sido salvada”.
“�Pero c�mo ha ocurrido tan magno evento, querida hija?”
“Anoche, mientras ayudaba al padre Jos� con su ba�o, �l tom� mi mano y la llev� hasta su entrepierna y me dijo: �sta es la llave del cielo, y que ser�a necesario probarla con mi cerradura para ver si se abr�an las puertas del Cielo para ser salvada.
“Este viejo desgraciado… �y qu� m�s pas�?”
“Bueno, probamos la cerradura; �l me dijo que al principio doler�a un poco, porque el camino al cielo era dif�cil y doloroso, pero que al final sentir�a un gran placer”.
“Este viejo desgraciado. �Y a m� me ten�a enga�ada con que era la trompeta del arc�ngel san Gabriel y se lo estoy soplando hace 20 a�os!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hyman!Hyman who!Hyman in
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hyman!Hyman who!Hyman in the mood for dancin’…!
Un piquetero (agitador social), un
Un piquetero (agitador social), un pol�tico y una mujer fueron sometidos a un detector de mentiras. Si lo que estaban pensando no era verdad, la m�quina hac�a “pipipipip”.
Entonces el piquetero dice: “Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de hacer piquetes”
“Ppipipip.”
El pol�tico dice:
“Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de robar plata.”
“Pipipipip.”
Y finalmente la mujer dice:
“Yo pienso…”
“Pipipipip.”
Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In
fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there. The
boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
Yes, I was a salesman in the country,� said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close
up.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make
today?”
“One,” said the young salesman.
“Only one?” blurted the boss, “most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?”
“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he
said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the
car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to
a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No,” answered the salesman “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.”
Q: How many Russians
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?A: That’s a military secret.