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Beer Translations

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1. “You get this round and the next round is on me.” I’ll be leaving before
the next round.
2. “I’ll get this round and the next one is on you.” Happy hour is about to
end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $3.50.
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” I have no interest in talking to you
except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female) I’m easy.
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male) I’m gay.
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila
if it means that I get to lick you.
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the
bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) You are paying more attention
to your friends than me.
9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) I’m horny.
10. “Who’s got the next round?” I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Watch Your Husband’s Face

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A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with
her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be
getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch
your husband’s face while you are having sex?
Well, yes, I did once, she replied.
How did he look? the psychiatrist asked.
Very angry, she said.
At this point the psychiatrist felt he was really getting somewhere, so he
said, Well that’s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex. That seems
somewhat unusual. How did it happen that you saw his face that time?
He was looking through the window at us, she answered.

There is an English, Irish

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There is an English, Irish and Scotsman on a plane flying over Europe. Suddenly
they are in the midst of a massive storm. Lightning rears it’s ugly head and
strikes the planes wings. The plane begins its final spiraling decent towards
the ground.

At this point the pilot leaps out wearing the only parachute. This causes the
three terrified men do go down on their knees and pray like never before.

Just then the LORD appears….

“Your prayers have been answered! Since you have all been good christians
I give you one more chance at life! Jump from the plane and whatever you say
you shall become! So be it!”

And with that he was gone.

The Englishman ran for the exit and leapt out….

“A bird!” The Englishman turned into a beautiful Eagle and soared safely
towards the ground where he became a man again.

The Scotsman leapt out ….

“A….Parachute!” The Scotsman floated gently to the ground where he
returned
to normal form.

The Irish man ran towards the exit and tripped and stumbled head first out of
the plane…

“Shit………..”

Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?

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Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment
would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross
the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!