Bill Bill Bill

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She’s withholding evidence.

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

Did you know Monica has a hearing problem?
All Bill really said was, “hold my calls and sack the cook.”

What’s Monica going to title her memoirs?
“How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!”

Monica wouldn’t have soiled her dress if she would have just
kept her mouth shut.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she’s tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica’s appearance.
She’s got the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across!”

What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

What’s Bill’s new pick up line?
Would you be interested in a position under the president?”

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

From a recent survey…
In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make
love to the president, 83 percent of them responded; “Never
again.”

Kids on love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, “I LOVE YOU”:

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

“You learn it right on the spot, when the ‘gooshy’ feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)

“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)

“Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger,8)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8)

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5. www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops

4. www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu

3. www.marcelmarceau.com/chat

2. www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures

1. www.willardscott.com/showercam

John Denver’s Final Song

Oh God I’m An Ocean Buoy

John Denver’s Final Song

Took a flight from the farm and I never came back

Built a plane from a kit But I didn’t have the knack

Jumped in the cockpit and downed a six-pack

And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, I grabbed the controls And I started to fiddle

Got flames coming up On my face like a griddle

Air flight ain’t nothing But a funny, funny riddle

So now I’m an ocean buoy.

Well, my head’s chopped in pieces And my body’s full of dents

They’ll identify me By my guitar’s fingerprints

I tried to “dry out” But instead got a rinse

And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, it’s really farrr out When you’re down ‘neath the water

I just ain’t been right Since I started on the bottle

I reach for Jim Beam But instead grab the throttle

And now I’m an ocean buoy

Well, I grabbed the controls And I started to fiddle

Got flames coming up On my face like a griddle

George Burns appeared beside me And we prayed just a little

Oh God! I’m an ocean buoy!

The day’s just about over And I’m sinking kinda low

In the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau

Calypso can you find me By the bubbles that I blow

‘Cause now I’m an ocean buoy.

Someone comming

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…” He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt – it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – THAT WAS ME!”

Un hombre entra a un

Un hombre entra a un bar y pide una cerveza. El encargado del bar le cobra 15 centavos. Aunque confundido por lo bajo del precio el hombre paga.

Despu�s de un rato, decide pedir otra cerveza y una carne asada. El cantinero le cobra 50 centavos: 15 por la cerveza y 35 por la comida.

Tras terminar su cerveza y su comida, el tipo llama al cantinero:

“Oiga, �sta fue la mejor carne asada que he comido en mi vida y seguramente la m�s barata. Me gustar�a hablar con el due�o para agradecerle”.

“No hay problema. El due�o est� en el piso de arriba con mi esposa”.

“�Y qu� hace el due�o all� arriba con su esposa?”

“�Probablemente los mismo que yo hago con su negocio aqu� abajo!”