Sign on an “old” car’s bumper…
“This car is constipated, can’t pass a thing!”
Author: admin
Never say it at work
TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and
opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a
promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact,
save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate.
Mama’s Fat
Yo mama so fat that when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo, people walked by and they said, “Look at the big hippo!”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
La familia entera iba de
La familia entera iba de vacaciones: el pap�, la mam�, los ni�os y hasta la abuela. Ya llevaban varias horas de viaje y estaban todos cansados, especialmente los ni�os, que desde que parten comienzan a preguntar: �cu�nto falta para que lleguemos? Bueno, esto hay que imagin�rselo en ingl�s, ya que el viaje era por los Estados Unidos, y estaban viajando desde el norte hacia la c�lida Florida. El padre de familia, y conductor, ya estaba con las bolas por el piso con los ni�os, por lo que decidi� parar en la primera playa que encontraran. Para su sorpresa, �sta era de nudistas, pero no les import�. Se sacaron la ropa y partieron a disfrutar del sol. De pronto la ni�a menor vuelve y le pregunta a la mam�:
“�Mam�, por qu� unas se�oras tienen los pechos m�s grandes que otras?”
“Porque tienen m�s dinero, hijita”.
“Ah, ya entend�”.
Al rato la ni�ita vuelve y le pregunta a la mam�:
“�Mam�, por qu� hay se�ores que tienen la cosa larga y otros que la tienen m�s cortita?”
“Porque los que la tienen m�s larga son m�s inteligentes”.
“Ah, ya entend�”.
Y la ni�a volvi� a jugar con su castillo de arena. Minutos m�s tarde la peque�a viene donde la mam� corriendo y le cuenta muy nerviosa:
“�Mam�, mam�! �Pap� est� sentado conversando con una se�ora millonaria y se est� poniendo cada vez m�s inteligente!”
Cigarettes and Bowling
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which
he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if..
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”
He refers to Clintons as “Critters”
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says, “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”
He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says, “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phase
He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”
He sets the fore view screen to reruns of “Bass master”
He programs the food replicate for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”
He refers to the Muter Nebula as a “swamp”
His moonshine is stronger than Romulus Ale
He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
His idea of a “gas giant” is that big old’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and
weenies
He sets phase to “Cajun”
Spider
spider spider on the wall u think your smart u no fuck all ur on a wall thats just been plasterd and now ur stuck u silly bastard
Ducks love grapes
A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, “You got any grapes?”
Guy at the counter says, “No, we don’t have any grapes.”
Duck says “okay.” and he leaves.
The next day the duck comes back in and says “You got any grapes?”
The man once again replies, “No! We do not have any grapes.”
The duck says “Okay.” and he leaves.
The third day the duck walks in again and asks, “You got any grapes?”
The man is very annoyed and says, “No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I’m gonna nail your bill to the floor!”
The duck replies “Okay,” and leaves.
The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, “You got any nails?”
The man at the counter says “No.”
The duck says, “Well then, you got any grapes?”
Why did the woman cross the road?
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait! what was she doing out of the kitchen?
Bright Family
Dear Son:
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Q: How many Princeton
Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.