A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.Blonde: “Sir, did you call for me?” New Man: “No, I just got here.”Blonde: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.” The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”New Man: “No, I just got here.”Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me.” The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist… New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….” New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”
Author: admin
Bar joke
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that
it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks
the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap
out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs
through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the
man how he did it.
“Easy,” says the man. “Outside this window are some very strong wind currents
which can carry you back to the window.”
“Wow,” says the man at the bar. “I gotta try this.” He takes a running leap
out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
“Geez, Superman,” says the bartender. “You can be a real a jerk when you’re
drunk.”
IT PAYS TO STUDY
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud’s trailer house, Bud asked,
“What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say
if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s
five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying?” asked Bud.
The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
Giving Up Half
An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh !”
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No”, replied the man.
“Do you drink in excess?
“No.” replied the man.
“Do you have a sex life?”
“Yes, I do!”
“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your sex life.”
Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half…the LOOKING or the THINKING?”
Two passengers
Two vultures boarded a plane.
Each carried two dead raccoons.
The stewardess stopped them and said, “Sorry, only one carrion per passenger.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Rookie Officer
A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
Officer: May I see your license?
Man: It is not valid. It has been revoked 5 times.
Officer: Well then can I please see the registration to the car?
Man: this is not my car. I carjacked it.
Officer: Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is registered to.
Man: I can’t open up the glove box; it has my loaded gun in there
about this time the officer is reaching for his gun.
Officer: Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?
Manor, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.
The officer goes over and calls for backup. The police chief comes over and
says,
Chief: Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been
revoked 5 times?
Man: No, Here, take a look,
and sure enough it was valid
Chief: Okay, but you carjacked this car?
Man: No it is my car. Let me get the registration out of the glove box and
show you.
Chief: But don’t you have a loaded gun in there?
Man: NO
And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.
Chief: Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the
trunk.
Man: No, let me open it for you.
And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.
Man: And let me guess, the lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding
too!
Yes, Mother…
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Colleen has been most difficult – I know
I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile
creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her.”
“You were perfectly right.”
“You want to speak with her? All right.”
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!”
How to distract an idiot
to distract an idiot scroll down
to distract an idiot scroll up
Saddle Types
Jack and Jill went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.He told her one had a horn and one didn’t,Jill replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic out here.”
Winnie the pooh
q:why was tigger looking in the toliet???
a:because he was looking for pooh!!!!!!
Pinocchio Kidnapped!
Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?
Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.
For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!
Golfing chit chat
There were three guys that were golfing. Right away one of them ran to the bathroom. So, the other two started talking about how proud they are of their sons. The first guy said I am so proud of my son that last night he sold a million-dollar house. Well said the other guy, last night my son sold a million-dollar ferari.Then the other guy came back and asked what they were talking about. They sais their sons. So he said my son is a male-stripper and last night he bought a million dollar house and a million dollar ferari.