Yo Mama is so stupid the first time she used a vibrater she cracked her 2 front teeth
Author: admin
Be Black for Me
Here’s something that ran in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on 2/24/97. The author is Ethel Morgan Smith of West Virginia University. ‘Be Black for Me’I am glad February is almost over. It’s during this month that everyone is looking for me – or rather, anyone who can come and be black for them. I’m the only African-American professor in my university department of 50 faculty members. I reside in a world that is predominantly white and male: a land-grant state university with about 20,000 students, 5 percent of whom are African-Americans.During February, my mailbox is overflowing. Most of the mail wants me to represent ‘my people’ for some worthwhile organization during the month of February and February only. Sometimes the tone is pleasant. I generally accept those. Most often the tone is not pleasant. I group the mail into categories of ‘accept for sure,’ ‘decline for sure,’ ‘maybe’ and ‘I’ll get back to you.’ I’ve had letters that point out (if not in so many words) that their tax dollars pay my salary and they rightfully deserve a piece of me. The least I can do, these letters imply, is come and be black for them. I dump those requests in my recycling bin.I also get numerous calls. A pleasant woman from the arts council needed someone to attend her luncheon book-club meeting at her house. One of my colleagues, whom I haven’t even met, gave her my telephone number. Her group is thinking of including a black writer on its reading list next year. I accept her pleasant invitation. It doesn’t conflict with my calendar. I can be black that Wednesday.Someone knocks on my door. A graduate student, white male, wants me to be a member of his thesis committee. A portion of his writing will be on the impact of contemporary African-American women authors on American literature. He’s a good student. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I want to know when I can expect some of his work.Another student drops by. She is African-American and can’t decide if she’s angry with me or not. Last semester I thought she was being self-righteous (as I think many students are) when she screamed at me in class for selecting a novel whose protagonist, a black man, was married to a white woman. The student said that the protagonist wasn’t really black because he was married to a white woman. I blew up at her in class and asked her who made her God of Blackness? I don’t think I apologized to her. She wants to talk about what to do with the rest of her life. I suggest improving her grades. She leaves before I can thank her for coming.I get back to sorting the mail. Five more organizations have submitted requests for me to come and be black. Another knock on my door. It’s two white students, male and female, from last semester’s African-American literature class. They (well, he, since the male speaks for the female) liked my class and learned a lot, but thought they would offer me some advice. He tells me that the black kids, all four of them, wanted to speak too much in class when I asked for comments or specific questions about the text. I remind them that everyone was given ample opportunity to speak. The student tells me that it was also annoying that ‘they’ always sat together. I point out that all of the white students sat together as well. My two visitors leave.Someone else knocks on my door. It’s my colleague whose office is down the hall. He calls himself a folklorist. He, too, wants me to come and be black for his group. Another colleague drops by. A white male who’s fascinated by Africa wants me to know that if I have any interest in going to see my homeland, he is the man to help me get there. I tell him that Alabama is my homeland. My boss comes by next. He wants me to be a part of a new task force on diversity. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I have to get home. It’s nearing the end of come-and-be-black-for-me month and I need my rest.
Things Just Fallin&#
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
WARNING: These are RUDE.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she’ll swallow.
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.’
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie,”only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she’s 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. “Are you In?” or “Is It In?”
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. “Honey, I’m home!”
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What’s the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What’s good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Don’t hit me hard
A man walks into a bar and sits down.
He orders a drink and sees a monkey sitting on top of the bar.
He calls over the bartender and says, “Do you mind getting that filthy beast off the bar so I can enjoy my drink?”
The bartender says, “This monkey can do tricks.”
The patron says, “What kind of tricks can that filthy animal do?”
He said, “I take this bat and hit the monkey on the head and he will do a back flip, unzip my pants and give me a blow job.”
The patron said, “Yeah right, lets see.”
The bartender hits the monkey on the head, he does a back flip and unzips the bartenders pants and gives him a blowjob.
The patron said, “WOW, that�s amazing.”
The bartender said, “Do you want to give it a try?”
The patron said, “YEAH, but don�t him me on the head that hard.”
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis
Most Embarrasing Date
A young couple entered in a most embarrasing date contest and
won by a mile. Here is their stroy:
Two young people, Dave and Diane, were set up on a date to go
sking in the mountians. They were driving up the mountian side
and Diane had to use the washroom. “Can’t you wait until we get
there?” Dave asked. Diane waited. A little while later, Diane
couldn’t hold it any longer, “Either you pull over or I go in
your car!” Dave pulled the car over.
Diane got out and leaned against the fendor while taking a whiz.
When she was done, she was horrified to find her butt frozen to
the fendor. She sheepishly called Dave. To their disgust, they
agreed that the only way she could be freed was if Dave peed on
her butt to thaw it out. The embarrased couple’s plan worked,
and after that date they never saw each other again.
Bang
a lady one day, was going to buy herself a donut and coffee
when she got banged. Another lady came and said, “hey you okay?
You just got banged!”
“That was wonderful. i want to go again”, she said and ran
for another car.
That night she met up with her friend at a local Bar.
“you banged any men today?” her friend said.The lady said
nothing.
“Well i got banged by a couple cars”, she said ashamed.
“Hey i used to do that,until i heard this joke. After i
heard it, it wasn’t so funny!” her friend said.
“What was the joke?”
“why did the prostitute cross the road?”
“What happened?”
“Because she wanted to get BANGED!”
White Gown?
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”.
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”
The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is.
You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…”
The Layoff
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to Lay You or Jack off.”
“Oh? jack-off,” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”
JFK jr.
Why didn’t JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?He said he’d wash up on shore.Hear about Kennedy Airlines? Their motto is ‘Your luggage will arrive before you do!’What do Kennedy’s miss most about Martha’s Vineyard?The runway.How did JFK Jr learn to fly? Crash course.How are the Kennedy�s like oil?They don’t mix well with water.Why aren’t there more JFK Jr jokes out there?They just haven’t surfaced yet.
Rooster and donkey
One guy says to the other….imagine a fence and on one side that is where you live and i live on the other side..i have a rooster and you have a donkey…one day my rooster and your donkey were at the fence and your donkey bit both of my roosters legs off now what would that be called……the guy says well i dont know why dont you tell me. so the other guy replies…….that would be 2 feet of my cock in your ass…
Soldier Standing at Attention?
One day a man was at work and his employee noticed that his fly
was open so she said, “Mr. Curtis, your bear store is open.”
He finally realized what she was talking about and decided to
have a little fun…. “When you noticed that my Bear Store was
open did you see a soldier standing at attention next to two
barrells or ammo?!” said Mr. Curtis.
“No I didn’t,” she replied, “I saw a handicapped veteran sitting
on some old duffle bags!”