13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Author: admin
Hurts all over
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” the doctor asked. “All over,” the woman said. “What do you mean, all over? Be more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “ow, that hurts. ” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too. ” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts,” she cried. The doctor observed her thoughtfully and said, “You have a broken finger.”
The Bin Laden Joke (
Why did Bin Laden leave his wife?Because when he looked under her skirt he saw BUSH!!
Un cap�tulo descubierto �ltimamente en
Un cap�tulo descubierto �ltimamente en el libro del G�nesis ha dado la respuesta a la pregunta: �De d�nde vienen las mascotas?
Ad�n dijo, “Se�or, cuando estaba en el jard�n, T� caminaste conmigo todos los d�as. Ahora ya no te veo m�s. Me siento muy solo aqu� y me es dif�cil recordar lo mucho que me amas”.
Y Dios dijo, “�no hay problema! Te crear� un compa�ero que estar� contigo para siempre y ser� un reflejo de mi amor por ti, de modo que me amar�s aunque no me puedas ver. Sin importar cuan ego�sta o inmaduro e incluso dif�cil de soportar seas, este compa�ero te aceptar� como eres y te amar� tanto como yo, sin importar como seas”.
Y Dios cre� un nuevo animal para que le hiciera compa��a a Ad�n. Y era un buen animal. Y Dios estaba complacido. Y el nuevo animal estaba feliz de estar con Ad�n y mov�a su cola. Y Ad�n procedi� a llamarlo perro (ya que �l hab�a puesto nombre a todos los animales existentes). Y el perro vivi� con Ad�n y fue su compa�ero y lo amaba. Y Ad�n se sinti� muy bien. Y el perro estaba contento y mov�a su cola.
Despu�s de un tiempo, sucedi� que el �ngel Guardi�n vino donde el Se�or y le dijo, “Se�or, Ad�n se ha llenado de orgullo. �l se pavonea como un pavo real y cree que es digno de adoraci�n. En efecto, el perro le ha ense�ado que es amado, pero lo ha hecho demasiado bien”.
Y el se�or dijo, “�no hay problema! Crear� un compa�ero que estar� con �l para siempre y que lo ver� tal y como es. �ste le recordar� sus limitaciones, de modo que �l sabr� que no es digno de adoraci�n”. Y Dios cre� el gato para que tambi�n le hiciera compa��a a Ad�n. Y el gato no obedec�a a Ad�n. Y cuando Ad�n mir� fijamente a los ojos del gato record� que no era el Ser Supremo. Y Ad�n aprendi� la humildad.
Y Dios estaba satisfecho. Y Ad�n hab�a mejorado grandemente. Y el perro estaba feliz. Y al gato le importaba tres pitos tanto una cosa como la otra.
Not His Day
A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick
up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the
blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled
over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could
give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his
ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists
to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes,
and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and
began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get
something’s help.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled
man. “What happened to you?” asked the trucker, with a grin. The
man explained his plight… The trucker stepped down from his
truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, “This just
ain’t been your day, has it boy!”
Millionaires Watching the Super Bowl
What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super
Bowl?
The Dallas Cowboys.
Drunk enters an elevator
Returning to his hotel room after a too many drinks, the drunken executive
walked into the elevator shaft and promptly dropped five stories. Lying bloodied
and broken and flat on his back, he stared back along the shaft and sneered, “I
wanted to go up, admit!”
God is Missing
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.
They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and
bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did
it!”
A Helping Hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to
do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a
guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be
parked around the corner.”
She’s not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How
much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is
thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks,
“What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”.
She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a
hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants,
and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and
then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and
asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend 3 hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Redneck Etiquette
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
300% Impotent
A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent.
The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She answered, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”