How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb?
None, that’s what rednecks are for.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Author: admin
Quick Thinking
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
Win 95 & 98 — La Differance
Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
A: 3 years
Blind Deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idear.
Irishman Falling Down
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent
look.
“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
Skydiving
A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?”
Bellybuttons
– How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?
– I don’t know…Why?
– Because blonde boys are stupid as well!
Jackson Trial Not Long Enough
Current Proceedings ‘Not Long Enough,’ News Outlets Argue
On the eve of closing arguments in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, a coalition of the major all-news networks has asked the judge in the case for a new trial, claiming that the current legal proceedings were “not long enough.”
A spokesperson for the networks, Peter Fendell, held a press conference on Thursday to state the cable news outlets’ position that the current trial had given “short shrift” to the key issues in the case.
“Unless there is another, longer trial, preferably one that lasts until May sweeps in 2007, justice will not be served,” Mr. Fendell said.
He said that a longer trial would allow more time to focus on the lurid sexual details of the case, which he said had been “glossed over.”
He added that, in addition to being “too quick and cursory,” the current Jackson trial was marred by the insufficient number and quality of celebrity witnesses.
“Instead of Jay Leno, George Lopez and Macaulay Culkin, in a new trial we would like to see Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Johnny Depp,” he said.
In response to the networks’ request, the judge in the case, Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville, issued a terse response: “If the networks think Michael Jackson is getting another trial, they must be on crack,” adding, “They might as well ask for O.J. Simpson to have another trial.”
“We’ll settle for that,” Mr. Fendell replied.
Which tire was flat?
High school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After
lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so
take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
“First Question: Which tire was flat?”
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Drinking for His Brothers
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.
One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said “I am awfully sorry about your brother.”
The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said “What happened to him?” The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.
The brother then said “No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.”
M&M's
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man’s peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.”That’s okay,” the old man replies after a moment. ”Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&M’s.”