The blonde walks into a store and askes the clerk if she could buy the T.V. on the shelf. He said,” No, i dont sell to blondes.” So the blonde goes home and dies her hair Blue. When she gets back to the store she askes the clerk agian if she could buy the T.V. on the shelf. He replies” No, I dont sell to blondes.” So she goes home one more time and dies her hair red. This time she asked the clerk if she could buy the t.v. on the shelf. He said “No , I dont sell to blondes.” then she says “How do you know I am a blonde?” He said ” Because that is not a t.v. it is a microwave.”
Author: admin
God’s apples of life
A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time, her father’s nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”
Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn’t be here.”
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?
Tell Me!
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
“You never even tell me when you’re having an orgasm!” he yelled.
“How can I?” she shot back. “You’re never here!”
Three wishes granted at Wizard Palace
One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.
When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds “I would like to have a heart” and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds “I would like to have a brain” and a brain is given to him.
The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds “Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around”……..
The Contest with GOD!
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God – “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”
God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”
The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”
The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”
God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”
Construction Yard
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took a interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and Lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.
“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?
“I will if those useless c*cksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the f#cking wood”, replied the little girl.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”
Pathetic
Whats more pathetic?
A) A Redhead and a brunette trying to build a house under water
or
B) A blonde trying to set that house on fire
Guilty?
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
The Oil Crisis
There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in
the USA.
Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is
geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Parrot with no legs
This guy is setting at a bar, and he’s had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.
The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, “Well isn’t there anything that you can give me?” The bartender says, “I’ve got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.
The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.
The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, “Sure I can talk!”
The guy thinks for a second and then says, “I’ve got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I’m gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.”
The parrot agrees to watch the man’s wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.
Parrot: “Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!”
Man: “Then what happened after that?”
Parrot: “They started taking each other’s clothes off.”
Man: “And then what?”-getting more angry
Parrot: “Your wife started jacking him off!”
Man: “What next?”-really steamed by this time
Parrot: “She started giving him a blow job!”
Man: “And what then, did they do anything else?”
Parrot: “I don’t know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!”
Making Sandwiches
After going out with his girlfriend for a month, Dave decided he
wanted to sleep with her. Unfortunately he still had to share a
room with his 9 year old brother Jonny. One night, he waited for
Jonny to fall asleep then he rang his girlfriend and asked her
to come over. Quietly they climbed onto the top bunk of the
boys’ bed and started to get undressed. After a few moments,
Dave realised that they would have to make up some sort of code
for what they wanted each other to do if they didn’t want Jonny
to hear them. Eventually they settled for “Lettuce” meaning
Harder, and “Tomato” meaning Change Position. Soon they began to
get into a rhythm.
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
LETTUCE!
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
OH WAIT! PULL IT OUT, PULL IT OUT!
I CAN’T GET PREGNANT!
Then suddenly quick as a flash, Jonny sat up and screamed at
them, “Can you two PLEASE stop making sandwiches?! You’re
getting mayonaise all over my face!”