A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, “I have 4 kids, one more and they’ll make a basketball team.”The Englishman says, “Huh! That’s nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I’ll be the world-champion soccer-team’s coach.”The American starts laughing. He says, “I’ve had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I’ll open a golf course!”
Author: admin
Two peguins at the store.
Two peguins went to the store, because they were making a cake, so they went to get eggs. they were out of eggs so they got….Potatoes!
My parents were so poor
My parents were so poor they got married for the rice.
Words not Yet in the Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED
(ah kor’ de on ay tid)
adj.
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks’ trus)
adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM
(ak wa lib’ re um)
n.
The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE
(burg’ uh side)
n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS
(buz’ aks)
n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION
(kar’ pur pet u a shun)
n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP
(dimp)
n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”
DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt’)
v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove’ all the germs.
ECNALUBMA
(ek na lub’ ma)
n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES
(eye’ ful eyetz)
n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS
(el bon’ iks)
n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.
ELEVCELLERATION
(el a cel er ay’ shun)
n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST
(frust)
n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION
(lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun)
n.
Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal’ side.
NEONPHANCY
(ne on’ fan see)
n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER
(pehp ee ay’)
n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETOPHOBIC
(peh toe fo’ bik)
adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA
(fo nee’ zhuh)
n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS
(pup’ kus)
n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay’ shun)
n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
How to be Annoying
- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
- Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog “Dog”.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy”.
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Quick Thinking
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota sir”.
“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”
“My wife is from Minnesota!”
The boy replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”
Barnyard confusion
“Why don’t chicken wear underpants?”
Because their pecker’s on their face!
Canadians get it
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.
The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, ‘There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.’
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, ‘and this gentleman wants to buy the other’.
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, ‘You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?’
The boy replied, ‘Canada sir.’
‘Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?’ asked the manager.
The boy replied, ‘They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.’
The manager said, ‘My wife is from Canada.’
And the boy replied, ‘Really. What team did she play for?’
The Top 16 Least Popular Charitable Organizations
16> Guys Named Steve Who Could Use a Couple Extra Bucks
15> The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Retirement Fund
14> Institute of Obsessive-Compulsive Lawn Care Zealots
13> Green Piece
12> Rappers Without Retirement Plans
11> The Anna Nicole Smith Shelter for Temporarily Homeless Gold-digging Floozies
10> United Negro Hockey Fund
9> The March of Mimes
8> The George W. Bush Literacity Fund
7> Fart-Aid
6> Partnership for a Free-Drugs America
5> The Red Crotch
4> Amnesty International House of Pancakes
3> Americans United to Buy Me a Porsche
2> Konservative Khristian Kouncil
1> The Make-A-Whip Foundation
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]A la clase de Jaimito
A la clase de Jaimito llega la nueva maestra, quien habla en tono ruso:
“A ver, ni�os, para ma�ana todos de tarea tendr�n que saber decir mi nombre adecuadamente, si no, estar�n fuera de clases”.
Todos los chamitos asustados comentando entre ellos. Con mucho miedo Juancito le pregunta: “Maestra �cual es su nombre?”
Y la maestra con tono ruso les dice “Mi nombre es Vragina” y lo escribe en el pizarr�n
de la clase.
Todos los ni�os salen del sal�n de clases asustados, pensando para ma�ana. Jaimito desde luego comienza a pensar como se va a aprender ese nombre. En eso piensa en algo, se alegra y dice “�Claro!, es muy f�cil es simplemente Vagina con R y ya!”.
Sigue caminando feliz, repitiendo una y otra vez “Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r”.
Al otro d�a la maestra manda a levantarse a Juanito: “Di mi nombre”, “Valentina”, la maestra
enfurecida: “�Fuera del salon ingrato!”
“Rita, di mi nombre” “Vacenilla” “�NOOOO fuera!”
Por supuesto que jaimito sigue pensando “vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r.”
La maestra dice “A ver Jaimito di mi nombre.” Mientras jaimito se va levantando sigue repitiendo “Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r…”
La maestra insiste “Di mi nombre.” Entonces jaimito dice “�CRUCA Maestra!”
The Top 14 Things Overheard in Seattle This Week
14> “Send a message to those capitalist bastards! Come to Two-for-One Day at Stan’s Brick Emporium!”
13> “I don’t really give a crap — I’m just warming up for the New Year’s Day Y2K riots.”
12> “Citizens! Disperse and go home, or Brother Gates will be angry!”
11> “The Brown & Williamson IPO is bad, people. Do NOT invest in the Brown & Williamson IPO.”
10> “Gap is crap! Gap is crap! Gap is… Hey, cool chinos!”
9> “I was speaking figuratively when I said the WTO should go ‘where the sun don’t shine.'”
8> “Launch the chalupa!”
7> “No, Governor Bush, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not the head of the WTO. Guess again.”
6> “You got tear gas in my mocha latte!”
“You got mocha latte in my tear gas!”
5> “I haven’t seen this many badly dressed people since Courtney Love’s wedding.”
4> “I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but the WTO rejects your proposal to ‘trade saliva with that Chinese girl’.”
3> “Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Grif– AAAAGGGHH, MY EYES!!!”
2> “Attention, consumers: Put down your weapons NOW — and visit the fantastic 12-hour curfew sale going on at Old Navy!”
1> “Mr. Hoffa, we’re prepared to negotiate. Could you meet us at the Kingdome, say, around 2am?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]Gifted
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Gifted!