Author: admin

The Panda

Posted on by admin

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Dos ni�os van por la

Posted on by admin

Dos ni�os van por la calle cuando ven por una ventana a una chica muy buena desnud�ndose. Se quedan mirando y al cabo de un ratito uno de ellos le dice al otro:

“Oye, v�monos”.

“No, espera un poco”.

“�Que no, �ndale, ya v�monos!”

“�Pero por qu� quieres irte?”

“Es que mi mam� me dijo que si alguna vez ve�a a una mujer desnuda me iba a convertir en piedra… Y ya estoy notando que una parte de m� se est� poniendo dura”.

Tips to improve your writing

Posted on by admin

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.22. Don’t never use a double negation.23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point24. Do not put statements in the negative form.25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.28. A writer must not shift your point of view.29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

Airplane Flasher

Posted on by admin

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.”I’m sorry sir” she said politely, “but you have to show your ticket, not your stub.”

Inner Strength

Posted on by admin

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…then you are probably a cat or a dog.

Train Inspection

Posted on by admin

Tom was meeting with a train station inspector. Tom had all his equipment in top shape so the inspector decided to give him a quiz to see if he could trip him up. The inspector began: “What would you do if you saw two trains coming at each other on the same track?”

Tom answered that he would hit the button in his tower to switch one train to another track.

“What if the button didn’t work?” the inspector asked.

“Then I would run down and pull the manual lever.” Tom answered.

“What if that level had been hit by lightning and was broken?”

“Then I would come up here and call the next station and ask them to make the switch.” Tom answered.

“What if the phoneline was busy?” The instructor asked.

Annoyed Tom answered, “Then I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”

Puzzled, the instructor asked why his Uncle Leo.

Tom smiled back and said, “Because his Uncle Leo has never seen a train crash before.”

Esto es un t�o con

Posted on by admin

Esto es un t�o con joroba que va paseando por el campo cuando suena un estampido, y aparece ante �l Lucifer, quien le pregunta:

“�T�! �Qu� llevas en la espalda?”

“Yo-yo… U-una joroba.”

“�PUES YA NO LA TIENES!”

Y con un movimiento de manos, la joroba desaparece, dejando al t�o sano como una pera. Total, que el ex-jorobado se queda muy contento, y piensa en ir a hablar con un amigo suyo que es cojo, a ver si a �l le pasa lo mismo.

“Oye macho, como te digo, que ha hecho flis-flas, y me ha quitado la joroba!”

“Bueno, pues voy a ir yo, a ver si me quita la cojera, que me tiene jod�o.”

En esto que va el cojo por el mismo lugar, junto al cementerio, cuando de nuevo se oye el estampido, aparece Lucifer, y le dice:

“�T�! �QUE LLEVAS EN LA ESPALDA?”

“�Yo… en la espalda?… Nada…”

“�PUES TOMA UNA JOROBA!”

Ya Just can't wi

Posted on by admin

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn’t resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn’t climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……”Honey, do you notice anything different about me???” She took one look at him, and said “Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.”

$100 Tattoo (in a painful area)

Posted on by admin

A man walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist, being a sensitive man, refuses, telling the man that it would be too painful to do that. The man insists on having it done, so the tattoo artist tells him that if he can come up with three good reasons to have it done, he would do it. The man tells him, ” One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And three, my wife will blow a hundred bucks everyday!”