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The Bobbit Hillbillies

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Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin’ with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is)
(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know, there’s a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “Over There,”
To John Wayne’s Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, Evidence)

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long,
So the Dick Doc said, “Hey, I can fix your Dong!”
“A needle and a thread is all you’re gonna need.”
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed, that is)
(Even seam, Straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn’t show on tape.
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, Case closed)

Walkin’ in a Doggie Wonderland

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Dogs tags ring, are you listening’?
In the lane, snow is glistening’.
It’s yellow, not white — I’ve been there tonight,
marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand� ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee, it’s my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go, man,
so all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.”

When should you retire to Florida�.

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When your wife gives your favorite polyester leisure suit to Goodwill and a teenager shows up at your door wearing it on Halloween night.

When you throw away your alarm clock and let your bladder wake you up at 7am every morning.

When you mention Pearl Harbor to your Grandson and he says he heard of her didn�t she use to sing with a big band?

When you realize that you have underwear older than the quarterback on your favorite NFL team.

When you discover that the lifetime guarantees on everything you own has expired.

When you turn on your computer and DOS 3.5 comes up as your operating system.

When the kids at Berger King are getting paid more than you ever made per hour in your life.

When you have a garage sale and everything has a brand name that know one has ever heard of.

When an aluminum walker becomes your main

When you can remember milk being delivered to your front door.

When the only things your friends can talk about every day is their bowel movements.

When the only bird you can name is the Early Bird.

When you try to lick a stamp that is self-adhesive.

When you find you have a full-length beaver coat in your closet.

When the can of Coffee in your kitchen cupboard is Pre-Columbian.

When you find out the house next door sold for $250,000 and you paid only $18,000 for yours.

When all you ever watch on TV is the History channel and Turners Movie Classics.

When your Limo driver shows up at the front door in a new black suite and you think he�s the undertaker.

When all those brown spots on your arms and hands will not wash off.

When you drop off your teeth at the dentist�s office to be worked on.

When you have a key ring with over 30 keys on it and all you really use are two.

When your favorite shoes are white and your favorite slacks are lime green.

When you eat at a fish restaurant and have a compulsion to tell the waitress out loud that � That was the best piece of bass I ever had in my life!�

It’s a guy thing!

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“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Gotta love the unions!

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
“Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”