admin – Page 1943 – Purpee Jokes

Hourse Rider

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

Editted by Curtis

No Cents

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

Here’s a story about a guy who got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn’t send them $0.00.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was “a glitch” and told him they’d take care of it. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn’t.

He called the credit card company who again said they’d take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn’t worry.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company’s computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, “uell, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can’t process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort.”

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Your Mommas……

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

Your Mammas so, so fat, dat when she dresses in yellow, people yell out “Taxi!Taxi!””

“

Nice Trick

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says What will we name the child?

Well the guy freaks and runs away.

So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says What will we name the child?

He freaks out also and runs away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child?

he ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws in the ocean.

He turns to the girl and says If he gets out of that, well call him Houdini.

Rejection Letter Form

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

Feel Free to Cut and Paste

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms bythetruckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

Loud

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

are you crazy

Getting a peanut out of his ear…

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped
and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother
said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s
going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son
in-law!”

You might be a liberal if …

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

You might be a liberal if:

* You’ve ever left your sociology class thinking, “That professor really
knows what he/she/it is talking about.”

* You associate the words “model American” with “Bill Clinton”

* You think Dan Rather represents media impartiality

* Your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, “Well, he’s fat.”

* The first word in the description of your hair color is “neon”

* You’ve ever tried to protect the ozone layer

* You’ve stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals

* You’ve ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor … ummm
… food

* You ever use the words “Clarence Thomas” and “Uncle Tom” in the same
sentence * you are a vegan

* You have a bumper sticker that says “You Can’t Hug With Nuclear Arms” on
your car

* You believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race

* You’ve ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs

* You pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food

* You cheered for “Obstructing Justice Simpson” last Tuesday at 1 p.m.

* You don’t think it’s right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think
it’s right to kill babies

* You have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair

* You want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the
fact that cancer kills many more people per year

* You have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized

* You consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse
Helms has to say

* You abhor censorship unless it’s censoring race, religion, Conservatism,
Western culture or Rush Limbaugh

* You found yourself unemployed after this past November’s election

* You’re a dope smoker or a womanizer … oh, sorry, that’s “You might be
a Clinton cabinet official if …”

* You’re the dolt who stole the “Helms ’96” bumper sticker from my car

* You think the phrase, “… separation of church and state” is in the
Constitution

* You cry, “You can’t legislate morality,” but defend the Roe v. Wade
decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion

* You stay informed by watching MTV News

* You have an “I’m Straight But Not Narrow” button pinned to your book bag

* There is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears

* You think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom
giveaways are just what schools need

* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television
… oops, my mistake again, that’s “You might be Mel Reynolds if …”

* You think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community

* You think Jesse Jackson is good at anything

* You lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get
you

* You attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in
the inner city to Ronald Reagan

* You’ve ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic,
which isn’t biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees

* You think the National Organization for Women is made up of average
heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda

* You’re on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women’s Cultural
Center — there’s a slight chance you’re a liberal

* You blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy
“Democrooks” for the huge national debt

* Banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean
punish the criminals?)

* You tell me how to live by telling me I can’t tell people how to live

The Interview.

Posted on March 15, 2017March 15, 2009 by admin

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: ” So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?”
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! that’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”
GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

INTERVIEWER: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”
GENERAL REINWALD: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”
The radio went silent and the interview ended.