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Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo.
Tattoo artist: ” What kind of tattoo do you want ?”
Man: “I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis.”
Tattoo artist: “Why?”
Man: “3 reasons: 1. I like to play with my money 2. I like to see my money grow 3. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home.”
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
“Ah,” said the doctor, “Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.”
“Oh.” said Her Majesty. “Well, in that case I suppose it’s understandable.”
Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
“Goodness Gracious!” shrieked Her Majesty, “I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!”
“Ah,” said the Doctor, “same problem – better health plan.”
Q: What’s the best time for a dental appointment?
A: Tooth-thirty.
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behaviour for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.”Don’t play with your food,” one second-grader cited.”Don’t be loud,” said another, and so on.”And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?” the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, “Order something cheap.”
what is a skeltons favorite park?
rattel bones park!
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The
chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and
we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then
we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the
Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol,
the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows
his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out
all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you
doing?”
And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will
be looking at heaven when he dies.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey…I see what your problem is….”
Submitted by Curtis
During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable.
So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?”
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table.
Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?” The navigator told him.
The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!”
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?
To keep his ankles warm!