Author: admin

Cat Hating Husband

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A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks
away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the
driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing
happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home
before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat
there?” “Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, “Put
that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions.”

Cross nun

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Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

“Quick, quick!!” shouts the first nun, “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

“What shall I do now?” shouts the first nun. “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!” says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“Now what?” screams the first nun.

“Show him your cross!” says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FREAKIN’ HOOD!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Why men are so cool

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– You know stuff about tanks.- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.- You can open all your own jars.- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.- You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.- You can leave the motel bed unmade.- You can kill your own food.- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.- Wedding plans take care of themselves.- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.- Everything on your face stays its original color.- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.- You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.- Car mechanics tell you the truth.- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: ‘He must be mad at me’.- Same work…more pay.- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.- Wedding dress – $2,000. Tuxedo rental $75.- You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ‘So, notice anything different?’.- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.- You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.- You almost never have strap problems in public.- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.- You don’t have to shave below your neck.- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.- Your belly usually hides your big hips.- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.- You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 minutes.NOT- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.- Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.- You have to wear ties.- You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.- ‘Women and children first.’

I Need a Male Pharmacist

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what
you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

Condom Week

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25 slogans for national comdom week.

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong.
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won’t get sick, if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.
Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection, is to protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
A crank with armor, will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, No love.

Interview

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A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to
write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research.
There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and
explained his mission.
The young man asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you
really happy?”

After a moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my neighbor’s daughter, a
fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all
screwed her, we took her back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can’t you think of anything
else that happened that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, “Yep! One time a neighbor’s sheep
got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it
back home.”

Again, the young man said “I can’t print that, either. Let’s try another
approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds
he looked up timidly at the young man and said, “This one time, I got lost…”