1. Chunk!
2.Chum!
Author: admin
Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!
And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a
police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead
and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find
his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight
to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a
Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available. “Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are
too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened.”
And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just
couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your
money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
…Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was
seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike
Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police
have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first
child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he
uses for a knife?
In a repair shop:…
In a repair shop:
“We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
Couple of Clinton Riddles
Why did bill clinton stop playing the sax-aphone? he decided he like the hormonica better (whore- monica)What do you call eight days of sex hannucah lewinsky
P’d off!
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.”
“Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
One of his fingers is clean.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
The Bobbitt Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog that’s running free, Doesn’t see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.
Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there’s no telling what she’d do.
To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
WMD Found In Saddam’s Beard
Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.
The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.
U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam’s unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom’s most enduring mysteries.
“Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction,” General Sanchez told reporters. “We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone’s face.”
The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.
After he was captured, Saddam received a shave and a haircut from the Halliburton Company, who charged the former dictator the entire $750,000 he had in his possession.
The deadly beard was then stored in an airtight container and transferred to a U.S. military laboratory in Wiesbaden, Germany for future study.
At a press conference in Washington, President Bush praised the military for removing Saddam’s lethal beard once and for all.
“Thanks to the efforts of our coalition, Saddam Hussein’s whiskers will no longer harbor the world’s deadliest weapons,” Mr. Bush said.
Later in his press conference, the President revealed that U.S. forces found Saddam after receiving a tip from Tikrit that there was an ass in a hole in the ground.
Flowers
A husband buys his wife flowers for for the first time in their married life, and she is so excited she grabs him by the hand, pulls him up the stairs, strips lies on the bed with her legs wide open, and says darling this is for the flowers. and he replies dont be silly you must have a vase somewhere!
3 Bad Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.”
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”
The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”
Little jonny #1
there is a kid named litle Jonny. every friday his techer gives
his class a quiz. if a kid got the question right, they would
have no homework and no school on monday.
the first friday came. the teacher said quiz time. then she
asked how many stars are there in the sky then little jonny got
called on. he answered 1000.
the teacher said thats wrong, heres your homework, see ya
monday. next friday came the teacher said how many fish in the
se lil jonny was caled on. he said 1000 tha teacher said thats
wrong see ya monday.
before next friday came little jonny bought bouncy black 8
balls.
next friday came and the teacher said quiz time then little
bounced the 8 balls. the teacher said allright, who’s the
comedian with the black balls?
little jonny raised his hand and said Bill Cosby.
see ya tuesday