Author: admin

The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

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13> The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

12> You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

11> You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

10> You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

9> Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

8> You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

7> You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

6> You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

5> Keeping a stained dress: Tacky

Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

4> You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

3> Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

2> “All your albums are belong to me!”

1> You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Circumcision

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This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.

She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.

The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.

He says “The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day”!!!!!

Healing Touch

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Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he said.”My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.The next gentleman couldn’t hear Jesus’ questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection.This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. “Don’t you come near me, man! Don’t touch me!” he screamed. “I’m on disability!”

Rejected Childrens Book Titles

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MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want

5. “Whatcha’ Doin'” the Wonderful Phrase

6. 101 Games to Play in the Road

7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher

8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games

10. Arthur Gets Hunted

11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

12. Monsters Killed Grandpa

13. The hit sequel to “Elvis is your real dad” Mrs.Clause is your real Mom

14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

15. All Guns Squirt Water

16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

20. 101 recipies to make with Dog

21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

22. The New Boy is Bad

23. Your Nightmares are real

24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs

25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..

28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption

29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower

31. Grampa Gets A Casket

32. Dad’s New Wife Robert

33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

Programmer’s Prayer

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Our program,

Who art in memory,

“Hello” be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.

Return.

Nuns at a Football Game

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Three guys were at a football game. It just so happens that they
were all diehard football fans. They finally found a seat good
enough for them. But there was just one problem with the so
called “perfect seats.” Three nuns were in front of them
blocking their veiw.

The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the
nuns to hear, “Hey I think I’ll move to Idaho. There are only
100 Catholics there.”

The second one said, “No I’m gonna move to Montana. There are
only 50 Catholics living there.”

Then the third guy said, “You two are both wrong. We should move
to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there.”

Then one of the nuns turns around and said, “Hey why don’t you
go to hell… there aren’t any Catholics there!”

The Perfect Woman would say…

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The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!
6. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.
8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.
12. I’ll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…