Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?A: Proofreading.
Author: admin
Welcome Aboard
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, “Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We’ll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.” Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, “Why don’t you take over for a while? I’m going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I’m gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant.”His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” and started running towards the cockpit.An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, “Relax honey, he’s gotta take a shit first.”
English Language
Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetraian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the sanme, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Why are…..
why are chinese peoples eyes slanted because they get constapayted after eating so much rice
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an
early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5am.” The next
morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am, and that
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed.. it said, “It is 5am, wake up!”
�En qu� se parece una
�En qu� se parece una vaca a un edificio?
La vaca es un animal muy bruto. Bruto mat� a C�sar. Cesar sin acento no me dice nada. El que no nada se ahoga. El que se ahoga tiene la sangre muy pesada. Pesada se divide en pes que es la primera s�laba de pescado, y hada es una se�ora muy bonita que nos concede cosas. Algunas cosas se transportan en ferrocarril. El ferrocarril anda en v�as. Las v�as son de metal. El metal se extrae de las minas, de las cuales tambi�n se sacan diamantes. Los diamantes se montan en anillos. Los anillos se ponen en los dedos. Los dedos tienen u�as que sirven para rascarse y matar los piojos. Piojos se divide en Pi, que es igual a 3.1416; y ojos son dos �rganos que sirven para ver que una vaca y un edificio no se parecen en nada.
You have to go outside
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
The Blonde at a Bar
A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.
If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.
“I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.” And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.
Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think Im the smartest person in this bar.” And she gets a million dollars.
Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think…” POOF! She disappears.
The Fly
Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.
The First Pitch
President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, “Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we’d like for you to throw out the first pitch.”
President Clinton say excitedly, “SURE, I’D LOVE TOO…SOUUUIIEEEE!”
So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds…Bill does the Presidential wave thing…and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. “SOUUUUIIEEEE”. The crowd goes WILD!
George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, “That was just FANTASTIC…but I said ‘throw out the first PITCH!”
Computer Poem
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider’s home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
25 things u must not tell your friend
1. I like your boy/girl friend
2. Your not my best friend any more
3. Your momma needs to go on a diet
4. I think that your just jealus
5. You have a wierd family
6. I feel bad for you
7. How come you dont have any style
8. Whats wrong with you
9. Good thing that I am not you
10. Dont worry I am sure that you will grow up soon
11. Have fun with your so called “boy/girl friend”
12. Too bad your ugly
13. Good thing your ugly
14. you are fat
15. you need to lose some wieght
16. yum I have a chocolate cookie and you dont
17. Mind your own beezwax ’cause you got a lot of it
18. take your big nose somewere else
19. I cant possibly know you
20. Have I seen you before
21. Why dont you start loosing some weight so that you can
become a sumo wrestler
22. I dont want to be your friend because im to pretty to hang
out with you
23. I have a date and you dont
24. At least you dont have to dress up for halloween
25. I am sorry that you are friendless
IF YOU SAY THESE THINGS YOU WILL BROBABLY END UP IN
THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!