Yo mama tiddys so dry and old man jumped on them and said dinner
Author: admin
He who laughs, lasts.
He who laughs, lasts.
Any landing you can walk
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Everything takes longer than you
Everything takes longer than you think.
Old Woman
There once was a 60 year old woman who suddenly developed a terrible itch in her private area. Not knowing what was wrong she went to her docter.
“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”
The doctor told the woman she most likely had crabs.
“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”
she left and went to another doctor for a second opinion. this time she went to a very old and very wise doctor.
“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”
again the doctor told her she may have crabs
“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”
the old wise doctor took a look and looking up at the old woman said “well i hate to tell you this but it looks as if your cherry has rotted and you have fruit flys.”
Computer Illiteracy
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”
12. 1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?” 1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” 2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?” 1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?” Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?” Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?” Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?” Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.” Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?” Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Shoulder pads
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Your momma is
your mamma is so fat she was baptised in deep sea world
Rules for Women to live by(as given by men)…
Rules for Women to live by(as given by men).
1. Return calls.
2. Don’t lie, either. We have call waiting.
3. Use handcuffs in place of tape (doesn’t stick to hair).
4. If girls night out involves exotic dancers, remember, he’s stuffed his speedos.
5. If girls night out is going to be fun, remember…….guys like to watch.
6. The correct response is never, ever, “not tonight, I have a headache.”
7. Ditto for “would you like to give me oral pleasures.”
8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is VERY GOOD!
9. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are compliments in some cultures.
10. Talking is uncommon, Shouting is ineffective, Slapping generally gets the point across.
11. Ex-girlfriends are nothing more than EX-GIRLFRIENDS. (so get over it)
12. Buying her dinner does equal foreplay if, you use your toes correctly under the table.
13. Two words: clean house!
14. Stop nagging.
15. Never wrong just accept it.
16. You are more attractive when we’re drunk.
17. Don’t assume PMS is an acceptable response.
18. No means maybe, Yes means I thought you’ would never ask.
19. You can’t convince us that spending $300 on SALE items saved me anything!
20. Chivalry and Feminism can’t peacefully co-exist.
21. 3,000 miles = oil change. Figure it out.
22. If you want to break up with him, don’t ask if you can “still be friends” He’s got enough friends and you’ve been complaining about them and that’s why you’re breaking up in the first place!
23. Don’t force him to tell you he loves you in front of other people and if he does, you better hang on to that man for life, honey!
24. Always, always suck up to his mother.
25. Think naked.
26. Even during the daytime.
27. If you ask…”Is she pretty?” be prepared for the truth!
28. Ditto for “Would you sleep with her?”
29. Does not apply to “Do you like my cooking?”
30. Superbowl Sunday IS a religious holiday.
31. On time means ON TIME not “Well I was only 14 minutes late this time.”
32. Buns of steel works…try it.
33. My ex-girlfriend did …refer to # 11
34. Admit you too like to order the playboy channel.
35. The rules ARE never fair. He would have been playing golf if it weren’t for the birth of your first child. But he couldn’t get a tee time anyway and besides, it’ll make him look good in front of the in-laws. You’re right about ONE thing, it does all balance out.
These rules are original and cannot be duplicated without the expressed
consent of the authors or the nearest male (whichever is closer)
There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com
God & Lotto
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray…
“God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get
some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto”.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays…
“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my
house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays…
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my
house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order … “
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
“Joe, meet me half way on this one…Buy a ticket!”
Show me the money
Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.
As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.
Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.
When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk.
“I want to fatten it up as fast as possible” she said.
Sally got the job
Ventriloquist and th
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, ”I’m sick of your polack jokes and I’m going to knock the shit out of you.” ”I’m sorry, it was all in good fun,” replied the comedian. The polack retorted, ”I was talking to little asshole on your knee.”