There were two guys fishing in a boat. And they haven’t caught anything all day. Suddenly the one pulls up a old lamp and wipes it off. Out comes a genie. The genie says ” I will give you one wish what will it be?” So the guy says turn the whole lake into beer. Poof the lake is beer. The guy turns to the other and says so what do you think of that, the other guy says “I think your a fucking asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.
Author: admin
The Horse in the Bar
A man walks into a bar one day to see a horse tied up to a stool
with a bucket full of five dollar bills beside him. The man goes
up to the bartender and says,”Hey, whats going on with the
horse?” the bartender replies, “You put five dollars into that
bucket and if you can make that horse laugh, you can take home
all the money.” the guy figures its worth a shot so he puts five
dollars into the bucket and whispers into the horses ear. The
horse looks dazed for a moment and then starts laughing
uncontrolably. The man picks up the bucket and silently walks
out.
The next day, the same man walks into the same bar and sees the
same horse. He goes up to the bartender and says, “same thing
today?” the bartender says, “Nah, today you gotta make him cry”
so the guy puts a five into the bucket and leads the horse into
another room. A couple of minutes later the guy and the horse
come back. The horse is sobbing and weeping all over the place.
The man picks up the bucket and is about to walk out the door
when the bartender says, “Hey, pal, wait up. What did you do to
that animal? I’ve got to know.” The man smiles and simply
replies, “Well the first day I told the horse I had a bigger
dick than he did, and today I proved it.”
Barbie and Ken’s Letters to Santa
BARBIE’S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea
parties. I hate to break it to ya,’ Santa, but it’s payback
time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be
around to smell it.
These are my demands for this Christmas:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking
like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don’t
suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like
cellulite!
3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that
earring anyway? HELLO!?!
4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Doctor’s and Lawyer’s make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years -I think I deserve
a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that
simple.
As ever,
Barbie
KEN’S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my
sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue
concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and
desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.
Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has
received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I,
nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not
even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring
was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change
in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are: “Decorator Ken,”
“Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Other avenues which could
be considered are: “Impersonator Ken” (with wigs and gowns), or
“West Hollywood Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under
served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me
away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will
result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And
kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe…he’s
mine, at least that’s what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
The Funniest Joke Ever
Q:Knock Knock Whos There Arentcha Aretcha Who A:Arentcha You Gonna Get Back To Work.
Whitehouse-gate
Ya know, there’s been a lot of talk lately online and in the press about what to call Clinton’s latest escapade: – Tail-gate – Bimbo-gate – Forni-gate – Monica-gate… not to mention all the other scandals he’s been accused of participating in: – Travel-gate – Whitewater-gate – Trooper-gate – Nanny-gatePerhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as a set. Call ’em the: – Bill-gatesOops. No. Wait. That could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people whereas the head of Microsoft is being accused of… er… ah… um… Oh never mind.
Check me out
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
A canadian in a Texas bar…
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!
It’s the Grand Jury and I’ll Lie if I want to
To the tune of Leslie Gore’s It’s My Party
Everybody knows that Bill had fun
Hilary doesn’t know that he’s mine
She keeps her head in the sand
while Billy and I make time
It’s the grand jury and I’ll lie if I want to
lie if I want to, lie if I want to
you would lie too
If Bill was in love with you
Tear the dress to shreds
Keep banging all night
Billy likes a vertical smile
Now Ken Starr’s telling me
I need a cake with a file
It’s the grand jury and I’ll lie if I want to
lie if I want to, lie if I want to
you would lie too
If Bill was in love with you
Linda and Kenny just called me a whore
She was such a big fink
O what deceitful lies
When Linda started to sing
It’s the grand jury and I’ll lie if I want to
lie if I want to, lie if I want to
you would lie too
If Bill was in love with you
Clairvoyant boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma.” The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, “God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.”His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words, “Goodbye Daddy.” He finally came home early, but very carefully.He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, “What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.”
Top Condom Slogans
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don’t surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won’t bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It’s always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won’t be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won’t be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It’s not much money to catch your honey
54) Don’t be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain’t no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don’t cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can’t use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don’t hump
94) No unwrapped staes get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she’ll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain’t your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
Pope joke
do you know what the pope and a christmas tree have in common?there balls are for decoration only
Mary’s little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,
She tide it to a pylon,
500 volts went up it’s ass,
and now it’s wool is nylon
Mary had a little lamb,
she knew it cudnt swim,
she took it to the swimming baths,
and threw the fucker in
Mary had a little Lamb,
she also had a duck,
she put them on the mantle piece,
to see if they wud fuck
Mary had a little Lamb,
her father shit it dead,
now everyday she takes it to school,
in a roll of bread!