I saw this on a box of Oatmeal Raisin cookies, “New! With
Raisins!” What did it have before?
Author: admin
Seven & Seven
A blond a brunette and a red head walked into a bar. The bartender asked what the three wanted to drink.
“I’ll have a RW,” said the brunette.
So the bartender handed her a Red Wine.
“I’ll have a WW,” said the red head.
So the bartender handed her a White Wine.
“I’ll have a 17,” said the blond.
“A 17? What’s that?”
The Blonde replies…. “Seven & Seven Duh!”
Mow the lawn
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Sawmill Accidents
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
Doughboy
What do u see when the pillsberry doughboy bends over?
~His doughnuts~
Corporate Travel Guidelines
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.
Transportation:
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Lodging:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Meals:
Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment:
Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.
Miscellaneous:
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, “Red Caps” will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don’t forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.
Peaceful Death
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Good Morning Student
You’re a teacher who walks into the classroom
and says, “Good Morning…”
When your class says “Good Morning” back, they’re Freshmen.
When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they’re Sophomores.
When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of their newspapers, they’re Juniors.
When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they’re Seniors.
When they write down what you said, they’re Grad Students.
Things men will never say part 1
1.i think barry manilow is one cool motherf*****.
2. no, i don’t want another beer. i have to work tomorrow.
3. i think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. her tits are just too big.
5. sometimes i just want to be held.
6. that chick on “murder, she wrote” gives me a woody.
7. sure, i’d love to wear a condom.
8. we haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping, and i
can hold your purse.
9. f*** monday night football, let’s watch melrose place.
10. i think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.
Are you hated
stupid are dumb…to dumb that you get hated.
Yo mamma
yo mamma so fat she stepped on the scale and the scale said to be continued……….
Un borrach�n llega a un
Un borrach�n llega a un hotel y pregunta por el ba�o.
“Siga hasta el final del pasillo y gire hacia la izquierda”.
El beodo sigui� hasta el final del pasillo pero no gir� hacia la izquierda, sino hacia la derecha, en direcci�n a la piscina, a donde cae sin saberlo y grita asustado:
“�Por favor no le den a la palancaaaaa!”