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Strange Sex Laws

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In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

5 Things to do in an elevator

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1. Before someone gets off, yell, “WAIT! I HAVENT SMELLED YOU
YET!”

2. After smelling them, tell them what culture they smell like
they are from.

3. Tell EVERYONE you have new underwear on.

4. Look at people and Stare. And Stare. And Stare until they get
off.

5. Tell people things like, “We met in a past life. We were both
pretyt white bunnies with cottonball tails and we were BEST
FRIENDS!”

Quips & Quotes on the Office

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“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees.”
– Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don’t have enough time to do all their work?
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my
friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was
stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got
on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little
casually today, aren’t we?” The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the
company.”
“Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.”
– Unknown
Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
– Unknown
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just
fine,” the boss continued. “After you left the office early yesterday to go to
your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”
“Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.”
– Unknown
Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
“We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.”
– Unknown
Stevenson’s boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his
secretary. He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for?!” Stevenson
replied, “Nope, I do this for free!”
“Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After
a few hours, you realize the pig likes it.”
– Unknown
The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a
confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said,
“Yeah, how does this thing work?” He took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another
confused expression, so Stevenson said, “Any questions?” She said, “Yeah…
exactly where do the copies come out from?”
“This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”
– Unknown

Traveling Salesmen

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Two traveling salesman driving across kansas, the car breaks down so they walk to the farmers house and ask him if they can stay the night. the farmer replies “well” I have only one extra room next to my daughter’s and I have a couch, but the dog sleeps on the couch so you will both have to share the same bed. they look at each other and say “what the hell” neither of us is gay so It will be ok for one night.one guy wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his coworker, Man I’ve got to sneak over to the daughter’s room and get some of that, she is a real fox and I’ve got the biggist woody I’ve ever had, as a matter of fact It’s about 3 inches bigger than It’s ever been, the coworker replies “well” your going to have to take me with you. why is that he asks? Because thats “my Dick” your holding. over to the daughter

Wal-Mart Clerk

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A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it” He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”

Quick Thinking!

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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no – My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said –
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

People who don’t believe in retaliation…

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What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Marriage Proposal

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An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.”

“Well, then,” she replies. “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.”

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, “And how’s your sex life?”

“Infrequently.” he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, “And is that one word or two?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis