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Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. “You will die on an American holiday.”
“Which one?” asked bin Laden.
“It don’t matter,” said the psychic. “The day you die will be made into an American holiday.”
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you’ll have all the light
you need.
One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill “You have one wish.”
Bill Clinton cried “But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!” “Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you,” replied the Genie.
Bill Clinton thought hard and said “Bring peace to the middle east.” He took out a map to show the Genie.
The genie said “Nope. Can’t do that choose another wish.” This next wish came up right away.
“I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do” The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly “Um…can I take a look at that map again?”
The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event. Obviously, they’ve both done this sort of thing many times before, so to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, “How about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go wild with just one little wave of my hand.”The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the royal wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the crowd.The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than him, says to the Queen, “That was impressive. How about another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won’t just last for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for years.”The Queen is sceptical.”One nod of your head? Show me.” So the Pope headbutts her.
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
Goes home.
How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
By opening the car door.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? Why call it “take” a dump, when you leave something behind? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Who was the worst golfplayer of all time?
– Adolf Hitler, he never got out of the bunker.
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for pre-school, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
“Is that your grandmother?” I asked Chris when he boarded.
“Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”
“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”
“At the airport,” Chris replied.
“Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.”
You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright.At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music.
“There is no substitute for good manners…except fast reflexes.”
Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers once a month?
Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right.
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
How does a blonde do a High-Five?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To try and catch everything that’s over their heads.
What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
Their heads always get stuck in the jar.
Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water into those little
packages.
What did the blonde call her zebra?
Spot.
Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.?
Because they can’t spell it.
How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
What’s a blonde’s favorite T-shirt slogan?
I’m a natural blonde, please speak slowly.
What’s the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
Why did the blonde freeze in the winter?
Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.
Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can’t get the bottles into the typewriter.
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.
What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What is the mating call of a blonde?
I’m soooo drunk!
What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
I said, Oh, I’m drunk!
What is the mating call of a brunette?
Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet?
Why do blondes always fail driver’s tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.
What did the blonde’s mom say before her daughter went out on a
date?
If you’re not in bed by 10 PM, come home!
What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.
What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
She tells you she did.
One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw
a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally
reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.
Blondes are too biased. It’s always, “Buy us this, buy us that!”
I once knew a suicidal blonde, she dyed by her own hands.
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.
What is the difference between a blonde and the local football
team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you’ll find a cunning array of stunts.
What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.
What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
“That’s funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard
How can you tell if a blonde has had a good night?
Her undies will stick to the wall.
How do you confuse a blond?
You don’t, they’re born that way.