A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins-if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
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Knock KnockWho’s there?Cynthia!Cynthia who?Cynthia you
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cynthia!Cynthia who?Cynthia you been away I missed you!
Freshman
The huge college freshman figured he’d try
out for the football team. “Can you tackle?”
asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering
it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He
was off like a shot, and, in just over nine
seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass
a football?”
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a
few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can
swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
Learn how to talk southern
Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks
Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
’em are ducks
’em are not
oh ‘es ‘ey are
see ’em wangs
‘ell ill be
’em are ducks
Battered woman
do you know there are 1 million battered woman in the world today….and i have been eating mine raw this whole time.
The 2 tampons
what did one tampon say to the other tampon? nuthin they stuck up bitches
Fun things to do on the first day of class
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips. 22. Address the professor as “your excellency”. 23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking. 24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture. 25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class. 29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you. 30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Telepath wanted
Help Wanted: Telepath.
You know where to apply.
60 Things Not to Say
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.2. Ahh, it’s cute.3. Who circumcised you?4. Why don’t we just cuddle?5. You know they have surgery to fix that.6. It’s more fun to look at.7. Make it dance.8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?10. It looks like a night crawler.11. Wow, and your feet are so big.12. My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?17. Oh no, a flash headache.18. (giggle and point)19. Can I be honest with you?20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.21. Let me go get my tweezers.22. How sweet, you brought incense.23. This explains your car.24. You must be a growing boy.25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.27. Are you one of those pygmies?28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?29. Every heard of clearasil?30. All right, a treasure hunt!31. I didn’t know they came that small.32. Why is God punishing you?33. At least this won’t take long.34. I never saw one like that before.35. What do you call this?36. But it still works, right?37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.38. It looks so unused.39. Do you take steroids?40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?45. Aww, it’s hiding.46. Are you cold?47. If you get me real drunk first.48. Is that an optical illusion?49. What is that?50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where’s the rest of it?
Bad Day
The following from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,
went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down
the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now, THAT is a bad day
Jungle Poker
Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
Because there were too many cheetahs.
Christmas
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis