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How to Clean a Cat

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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

Elderly Economy

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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting, and for $5.00, I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word. The old man continued, For $10.00 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up. “So you want the nice romantic evening in my room, huh?” asks the old man.

“Heck no!” replies the old lady,

“I want it four times in the rocking chair!!”

Silly Signs

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  • Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  • Bargain basement upstairs.
  • Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  • Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
  • After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  • This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
  • We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
  • The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
  • Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
  • Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
  • Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
  • Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
  • Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  • Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
  • Elephants please stay in your car.
  • For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
  • The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  • If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)
  • Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

Thoughts to ponder

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1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.7. I doubt, therefore I might be.8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.10. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.13. A fool and his money are soon partying.14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?25. Why is it called the tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?26. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?27. Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?28. What was the best thing before sliced bread?29. If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?30. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?31. Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?32. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?33. Is a shell-less turtle homeless, or just naked?34. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?35. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?36. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?37. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?38. Is there another word for synonym?39. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?40. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?41. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?42. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking, and thereis no woman around to hear him….is he still wrong?43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?44. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?45. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.46. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

On top of Empire State Building

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Two blokes are in a bar on top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other “You know, if you jump off of this building you get sucked in at the 10th floor”. The other one laughs and says “No way, man. Prove it”

The first guy agrees and they both go to the edge. He jumps off and whoof! He gets sucked in at the 10th floor. When he gets back to the top the second guy, standing in shock, says “I don’t believe it! Let me try”.

So the second guy jumps off and splat! He falls to his death. The first guy goes back into the bar. When he gets back there, the bartender tuts and says “You know Superman, you can be a real bastard when your drunk!

The F Word

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The FUCK word!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word “Fuck.” It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very
few words with the versatility of “Fuck.”

Besides It’s sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description – “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time – “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business – “How did I end up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal – as in “Motherfucker.”

Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:
=====================================================================
Greetings……………………………….”How the fuck are you?”
Fraud………………………….”I got fucked by the car dealer.”
Dismay………………………………………….”Oh, fuck it.”
Trouble………………………….”Hell, I guess I’m fucked now.”
Aggression…………………………………………”Fuck you.”
Disgust…………………………………………….”Fuck me.”
Confusion…………………………………..”What the fuck…?”
Difficulty…………….”I don’t understand this fucking business.”
Despair………………………………………..”Fucked again.”
Exasperation…………………………………”For fuck’s sake.”
Enjoyment………………………………”This is fucking great.”
Hostility……………..”I’m going to knock your fucking head off.”
Stupidity………………………….”Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!”
Incompetence……………………………..”He’s such a fuck-up.”
Ignorance…………………………………….”Fuck if I know.”
Displeasure…………………….”What the fuck is going on here?”
Lost…………………………………..”Where the fuck are we?”
Disbelief………………………………..”Unfuckingbelievable!”
Retaliation………………………………”Up your fucking ass.”
Surprise…………………………………………..”Fuckin A!”
Surprise………………………………..”Well, I’ll be fucked.”
Suspicion…………………………”What the fuck are you doing?”
Contempt…………………”Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!”

A Panda Walks into a bar

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A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.”So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!” The panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?””Why yes,” the barman answered.”You’re a panda.””Good,” the panda nodded.”Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.”And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition: PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

The long and short of it!

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A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army.
His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis…He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isn’t erect you can see the letters W and Y.
The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man’s penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him… The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, “Wow, that’s really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?”

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says…
“Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!”