Author: admin

More Pranks

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I used to pull this joke regularly on all new arrivals into our department. I had fashioned a sort of catapult using a very flexible plastic ruler and cable-end-cap attached to the end of the ruler (a cable-end-cap is about the size and shape of an aerosol can cap). Inside the victim’s pencil drawer (sometimes known as a lap drawer) I would tape the end of the ruler opposite the cap to the bottom of the drawer. This way I could fold the cap end of the ruler back so that the cap would be open-end-up. I would then fill the cap with hole-punch “confetti” and close the drawer holding the “catapult” in the “cocked” position. Then when the victim opened the drawer, the device would launch the confetti into the victim’s lap, face, or whatever else might be in the line of fire.

Finally one coworker decided to effect revenge. He placed a couple pieces of confetti on my floor, but did nothing else. Being the cautious type, I immediately noticed the confetti pieces and checked my storage place for my catapult. It was gone. I then very cautiously set about searching my cubicle for the loaded launcher with the intent of not tripping it. About a half hour later I began to realize I had been had. A quick and careful scrutiny of the faces of my neighbors confirmed my suspicion.

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Another prank is one I pulled on my honeymooning best friends. They had asked me to house-sit for them while they were away. I removed the lables to all their canned foods. It gave them a new appreciation for the term “pot luck dinner.”

With patience this prank can be improved upon. Steam the labels loose and then glue them back onto different cans.

You might be an educator if:

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(1) You believe the staff room should be equiped with a valium salt lick.

(2) You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 9 to 3 and have the summers free.

(3) You can tell if it’s a full moon without looking outside.

(4) You believe “shallow gene pool” should be it’s own box on the report card.

(5) You belive unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy the kids sure are mellow today.”

(6) When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know in public and correct their behaviour.

(7) You have no time for life from August to June.

(8) Marking all A’s on report cards would make life SO much easier.

(9) When you mention “vegetables” you are not talking about a food group.

(10) You think people should be required to get a government permit befor being allowed to reproduced.

(11) You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.*

(12) You go into uncontrollable hysterics when people refer to the staff room as a “lounge”.

(13) You believe in the aerial spraying of haldol and ativan.**

(14) You encourge an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

(15) You cannot have children because there’s no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you hear it uttered.

(16) You think caffeine should be administered by I.V.

(17) Your personal life comes to a screeching halt during report card time.

(18) Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers a question, “Why is this kid like this?”

Finding Jesus

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A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.”Have you found Jesus?” he asked.

“Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!” says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!” the drunk slurs again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus YET?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Computer Camp

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Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.

We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy’s letters: ———————————–

Letter # 1 ———- The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.

Letter # 2 ————- Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked too.

Letter # 3 ————- Dear Mom,

Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 4 ————- Dear Mom,

I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Letter # 5 ————- Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.

Signed, William.

Letter # 6 ————- Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.

Regards, William.

Letter # 7 ————- Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.

What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

Tree Surgery

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We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”

The Red Button

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A man was walking down the road and then he just got a huge urge
to go to the dunny. So he ran into the closest store he could
see.
He said to the female accountant “Can I please use your
toilets!”. She replied “we only have a females toilet here”.
The man said in an instant “But i really need to go….. I’ll
pay ya!”
“Aww, ok but whatever you do DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON!!.

He hands over the money.
He sat down on the toilet and did his business, when he finished
he got up and pulled his pants on and went over to this wall, it
was covered with buttons. So he pushed one, it made a sound like
water flowing down a creek. He pushed another, it sounded like
birds chirping. There was one button that caught his attention,
THE RED BUTTON.

“The lady at the counter told me not to touch the button at all,
how much harm could it do anyway?”
(he moved his finger towards it, then he pulled it away, he did
it again but he couldn’t do it.
“Oh! what the Heck!”.

Everyone in the store heard a humungous scream, everyone ran
towards the scream,” what the hell made that man scream so
loud?” asked someone in the crowd. “He pushed the red
button”,The accountant said.
“Whats the red button?”,asked the guy again.
“A Tampon Remover”, said the accountant