Lipstick Prevention

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Punk Rocker

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, ”Keep off the grass.” After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ”Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Beer Warnings…

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers: => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember). => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you. => WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

Getting Weighed

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Knock Knock 30

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Button!
Button who?
Button in is not polite!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cabot!
Cabot who?
Cabotret!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cam!
Cam who?
Camalot is where King Arthur lived!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Candice!
Candice who?
Candice get any better!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy cow jump over the moon!