Author: admin

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him “So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?” The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.”What? Five times?” asks the eager girl.”No”, he replied.”Pick a finger”.

Hold on to your Texas quarters. They may become collector’s items.

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. “We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

“This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw,” said Skackelford.

The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.

Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.

An old farmer, attending a fair with his wife, Bessie, was much taken with the open-cockpit airplane in which fairgoers could buy a ride. The $5 fee was rather steep for him, so he began to bargain with the pilot. The pilot, annoyed, said, “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take you up for nothing if you keep your mouths shut. But if either of you makes a single sound, you pay the full $5.”

“Done,” the farmer said.

The couple climbed into the plane and wedged themselves into the cockpit well behind the pilot’s seat, and the pilot took off.

There was dead silence behind, which surprised the pilot, who counted on the splendid view to elicit cries of admiration and, therefore, his full fee. Suddenly, the pilot banked and went into a series of loops and spins designed to force cries of dismay from even the stoutest heart. Yet still there was absolute silence from the farmer and his wife. Defeated, the pilot landed his craft.

Helping the farmer out of the plane, the pilot said, “I have to hand it to you. You sure kept your mouths shut. Both”

“Yup,” said the farmer, “For a minute there I thought Bessie’d give a little scream when she fell out.”