A blonde and a brunette are hijacking a convertable. The blonde picks the lock and the brunnette jumps in.
Author: admin
Advice From Mom
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.
“Marry him anyway dear.” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
Yoga Style
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.
The first old woman, told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed.
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole!”
The maxipad
why did the blondes jump off th
e cliff? they thought their maxipads had wings!
Drinking & Fishing
It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake. After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake. When the others ask him about this, the Russian says “there is plenty of Vodka where I come from”. A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake. When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says “there is plenty of Tequila where I come from”. Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.
Impregnate
A farmer is giving his wife some last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you know which one I want him to impregnate.”
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.
“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.
“I guess it’s to hang up your pants,” replies the wife.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Sheik’s Punishment
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.”I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man.”Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man.”Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Alfalfa!Alfalfa who?Alfalfa you,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Alfalfa!Alfalfa who?Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
Radio Game Show
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate
Match.” The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all
went down:
DJ: “Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate
Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: “Yes.”
DJ: “Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only
please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Brian! Stay with me here!”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?”
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: “Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (touchtones
ringing)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo…do you
know the rules of ‘Mate match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to
work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much,Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well, it’s just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and…”
DJ: “She saw?”
Sarah: “BRIAN?!”
Brian: “No, no I didn’t…”
DJ: “Ease up there, sister. Just messing’ with your head. Your
answer, please?”
Sara: “Dear Lord…I cannot believe you told them this.”
Brian: “Come on, honey, it’s for a free trip to Florida.”
DJ: “Let’s go, sister. We ain’t got all day here. Where did you
do it?”
Sarah: (short pause) “In the ass.”
(long, long pause)
DJ: “We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.”
Advice for Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
3 Sharks
3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have
eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had
eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That’s nothing
pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him
that I’m still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed
George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still
can’t dive!
Thermometers
Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.