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The Layoff

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The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his
boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10
years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his
employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two
employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP
says, “I either have to Lay You or Jack off.”

“Oh? jack-off,” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

Perfect mate

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

The bartender asks the guy

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy
answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says
“That’ll be five dollars�, to which the guy replies, “What are you talking
about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the
bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a
drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are
you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my
life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must
have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

Ferry boat

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Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.

One says to the other…”What kind of ship is that?”

“Container ship.”

“OK, what”s that one over there?”

“Oil Tanker.”

“How about that one?”

“That’s a ferry boat.”

“Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Knock Knock 47

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Detail!
Detail who?
Detail-a phone operator!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep saying all these jokes!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
De Witt!
De Witt who?
De Witt now or never!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Diane!
Diane who?
Diane to meet you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Diesel!
Diesel who?
Diesel teach me to go knocking around on doors!

Unbelievable But True!

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Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis
captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the
Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called “political
prisoners.” However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their
hands.
The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of
State, Warren Christopher, “insisted” that all prisoners be released. Thus
Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into
Tower One of the World Trade Center.
This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the
terrorists were first identified.
It was censored in the US from all later reports.

In the back woods of

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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.”Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor.”Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.”No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.”Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

Jewish Lady’s Dog

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An old lady is boarding a plane with her dog in a cage to go to
isreal. The plane attendant says, “I am sorry ma’am, you can’t
bring that dog on the plane it will have to go with the cargo.”
She tries to explain to the man that the dog won’t bark
becase…and she is rudely interupted by the attendant saying “I
am sorry, no exceptions.”

So she does what he says, and she arives in Isreal. The people
are unpacking the cargo to find that the dog is dead. They
search all over town for an identical dog. after about 3 hours
of waiting, the man brings out this women’s dog, barking and
hollering.

The women says, “sir, this isn’t my dog.” The man goes “of
course it is it looks exactly like it.”

The women goes, “no sir my dog was dead I was coming to isreal
to bury it.”

Sperm Bank

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A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked “What’s the problem, pal?””My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation.””Yeah, so?””Don’t you realize?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”