Author: admin

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal ™: for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez: thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

How do you kill 1,000 mexicans?

– Blow up K-Mart.

How do you kill 10,000 mexicans?

– Blow up K-Mart after it has closed.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just caught fire!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. “Say,” an alert passenger spoke up, “aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

Brandon, Troy, and Kevin got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. All three men went their separate ways to gather the fruit.

Brandon came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples”.

The king explained the trial to him, “You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

Troy replied, “I couldn’t help it, I looked up and saw Kevin coming back with pineapples.”

Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Save money on expensive personalized car license plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

Anorexics, When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

A next-door neighbors car antenna, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.