I’m a pain but I do not hurt? What am I?
Window pane.
Yours Fun Portal !
I’m a pain but I do not hurt? What am I?
Window pane.
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.
While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…
“A little more to the left…a little more to the right”
En una ocasi�n hab�a muchas personas reunidas en una casa y pas� por aquel lugar un conocido de la familia y pregunt�:
“�Qu� pas� compadre?… �muri� alguien?”
“Si, mi burro mat� a mi suegra de una patada.”
“�Y toda esa gente conoc�a a tu suegra?”
“No… �Vinieron a comprar el burro!”
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent ‘spokey dokey’s on our wheels.�
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags, riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from bottles and it tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law suits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
We played knock-and-run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.
We walked to friend’s homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law unheard of. They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you’re one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren’t old enough thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening……and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983……..They are called youth.
They have never heard of “We are the World, We are the children”, and the “Uptown Girl”, they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda� Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD’s have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed and don’t even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave he house without a mobile phone.
Now let’s check if we’re getting old…
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.
7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too…
Yes, you’re getting older!!!!
Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
15> Suffers a fatal heart attack when startled by the director’s shout of “Action!”
14> Doesn’t mind working while totally engulfed flames, claiming it helps her arthritis.
13> A high-speed Rascal chase isn’t quite what Mr. Tarantino had in mind.
12> The only explosions he sees these days are inside his Depends.
11> A delighted sound editor realizes he won’t have to overdub the sounds of bones breaking after all.
10> Still drives his exploding car off a cliff, but now does it with the turn signal on.
9> Needs constant re-takes of his plunge from the hotel balcony because his dentures keep flying out.
8> His pre-stunt preparation includes a hot cup of tea, some stretching exercises and a quick peek at his good-luck photo of Teddy Roosevelt.
7> Once-thrilling car chases now reduced to a Cadillac Fleetwood going 17 mph.
6> The director decides to let Wilford Brimley do his own stunts.
5> He’s the film’s only Tour de France biker with a huge front tire and a tiny rear one.
4> Politely suggests that “2 Fast 2 Furious” could use a few Studebakers.
3> Has to be rushed to the ER for injuries sustained in the pie-fight scene.
2> Thanks to budgetary constraints and some late-starting Metamucil, that impossible-to-reshoot skydiving sequence just got your film an NC-17 rating.
1> She lands on the mattress 20 seconds before her breasts do.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
What�s the difference between Bill Clinton�s dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally.
The ad in the local newspaper read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the
dog to be delivered. The next day, a van pulled up, and left her
the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. “What
do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t be deceived by his looks, Ma’am,” he replied. “He’s in
the Secret Service.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Teresa!
Teresa who?
Teresa green!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Tex!
Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Texas!
Texas who?
Texas are getting higher every year!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thaddeus!
Thaddeus who?
To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher could get away with it!
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a
magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how
are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the
piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”
“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough
explaining you to her.”
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor !
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update
#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk’s father (whoops, that’s from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product “concept”.
#4 Obi Wan’s name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says “I think he died X years ago” where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don’t kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC’s when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run “tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs”
#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
#1 Death Star’s old slogan: “Fear this battle station”
Death Star’s NEW slogan: “Where do you want to go today?”
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.