Author: admin

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroys says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper. “We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.

“You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

“Jasper,” he says, “what fo’ you give me the okay?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” So God created Man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 lb.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Ben & Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 lb.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 lb. and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Satan.”

So then God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. McDonald’s brought forth the $.99 double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan smiled and created HMOs.