A newly-wed couple is dining in. The husband is kind of slowly picking in his
plate. The wife:
– Do you love me?
– Yes, I do! You have been asking me that everyday since that month after we
got married but you have never asked me if I love spaghetti!
Author: admin
Documentation is like sex: When
Documentation is like sex: When it’s good, it’s fantastic, when it’s bad…
Crackhead
yor mamas so dumb she called the cops when somone stole her weed
11th commandment – Covet not
11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.
Redneck Custody
You might be a redneck if, your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan! You might be a redneck if, you refuse to slide during a softball game because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes! You might be a redneck if, you’re mowing your lawn and find a car. You might be a redneck If, you were shooting pool when any of your children were born! You might be a redneck if, you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table. You might be a redneck if, the interviewer asks, ‘”Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'” And you answer, ‘”What track do y’all sponsor that race at? I ain’t been to that one yet.” You might be a redneck If, you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog! You are a redneck if your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father’s pickup truck! You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!
Teens Over 18
Recently I was watching a Ricki Lake show and like all talk
shows it shows ads for upcoming shows. The ad for this was
asking for teens to call in if they had a deep dark secret they
were keeping from their parents and wanted to reveal it. But at
the bottom of the screen it states that, you must be over 18 to
call. Know many teens over 18?
Susie walkin the dog!
A little girl asks her Mom, “May I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom says, “No honey, the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage”.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you”.
Her Dad said, “Bring Susie over here”.
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it and said, “Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block”.
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, “Where’s Susie?”
The girl replies, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there’s another dog pushing her home!
Over the hill
You know you are over hill when ….
1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver license’s picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You have more patience, but actually it’s just that you don’t care anymore.
25. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Stranded on an island – blonde jokes
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.humorshack.com
Bill’s favorite song is:
“Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy”!
En un concurso de perros,
En un concurso de perros, cuyo fin era elegir ganador al can que m�s perras montara, quedaron finalistas un bulldog, un doberman y un chihuahue�o arrech�simo. Vuelven a la carga los animales, y el primer turno es para el bulldog. El narrador del concurso comienza la cuenta:
“Tres perras… nueve perras… 39 perras… 56 perras… �Bravo, 56 perras!”
Sigue el doberman, y comienza el narrador:
“Nueve perras… 67 perras… 356 perras… �Bravo, 356 perras!”
Por �ltimo, es el turno del chihuahue�o bien arrecho. El narrador cuenta:
“Ochentinueve perras… 187 perras… 890 perras… �Tribuna sur!… �Tribuna oriental!… �Tribuna norte!… �Qu�tenmelo, qu�tenmelo!”
Liz and Evander
With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 “get well soon” cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. “No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down”,she says.”Ah” says the doc,”this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery.” “How nice “, says Liz.”Thank you – what a nice thought.” “The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.””What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I’m really touched”, says Liz. “But who is the 3rd card from?” asks Liz.”Oh”, says the doctor, “that’s from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!”