THE WORKLOAD “There are 2 billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces his work- load to 15 percent of the total, or 300 million.At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 767.9 visits per second.So for each Christian household with good children, Santa has about 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house. TIME/DISTANCE “Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we’re talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles SPEED”This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. THE PAYLOADAssuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium- size Lego set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as ‘heavy.’ On land, normal reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa’s going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.CONCLUSION “353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up like a spacecraft reentering Earth’s atmosphere.� Translation: Santa Is Toast!!!
Author: admin
Go where the money is.
Go where the money is.
Bear and a rabbit
One day a bear was in a forest you know were bears hang out and he saw a rabbit he was hungry so he decided to chase it mean while a genie was chillin’ and saw the bear chaseing the rabbit and it was getting kinda annoying so he thought he would stop by granting them some wishes so he floated over and told them “hey if you two knock it off ill grant you both two wishes” they siad it was cool so the genie turned to the bear and said your bigger so you can go first and the bear said i wish i had the biggest bear dick in in all of beardom and the genie clapped his and his wish was granted he had the biggest bear dick in all of beardom
so he asked the rabbit want is your wish
he said i want a harley davidson motor cycle
the genie thought this was kinda wierd but he granted it any way it was the bears turn again so the genie said what is you final wish the bear said i want all the bears in the entir world to be female the genie granted his wish. it was the rabbits turn the genie said “ok this is your last wish you should really think hard “and the rabbit said no no i know what i want genie said well what is it and the rabbit said “i want him to be gay” and sped away on his motorcycle.
Nail in experiment
DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. “I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail,” he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, “Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?”– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Carolyn Stickney � 1996 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.
three guys
two guys waled into the bar the third one ducked. hahaha get it
third on ducked
Como cualquier viernes, dos tipos
Como cualquier viernes, dos tipos salen de trabajar y uno le pregunta al otro:
“�Entonces, vamos a la fiesta?”
“No, no puedo ir”, responde el amigo.
“�Por qu�?”
“Pues es que mi mujer me amenaz� ayer…”
“�Ay, ay! �Y qu� te dijo?”
“Me dijo: Mira cabr�n, es hora de poner reglas; ser� mejor que llegues temprano porque en esta casa se coge a las 9:00 p.m. est�s o no est�s”.
Bumper Stickers
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a people person?
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
11. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
13. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
14. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
15. I’m working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
17. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
18. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
21. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
22. Adults are just kids who owe money.
23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
24. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
26. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
27. You look like a bumb. Is that the style now?
28. Earth is full. Go home.
29. Is it time for your medication or mine?
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
35. A bath would do you good.
Pepito quer�a con todas sus
Pepito quer�a con todas sus ganas un billete de 500 para comprarse una patineta. As� que decide escribirle a Dios para ped�rselo. En la oficina de correos no saben que hacer con su carta, y se la env�an al Presidente del pa�s.
El Presidente lee la carta y se siente conmovido. Le pide a su secretario que le env�e un billete de 50 a Pepito, dici�ndose que con la crisis mundial, el peque�o comprender� que no le haya enviado los 500 que ped�a.
Algunos d�as despu�s Pepito recibe la carta con el billete de 50. De inmediato escribe una carta de agradecimiento a Dios: “Querido Dios, muchas gracias por haberme enviado el dinero. Pero te quiero pedir que la pr�xima vez no lo dirijas a la oficina del Presidente, ya que, como acostumbran, esos bandidos se robaron 450 de lo que me enviaste…”
The Prize
A blonde is walking down the street with a guinea pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks, “Where did you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”
Poems
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that mary walk
the boys could see he thighs
mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
…but she didnt wear that one often
mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead
now it goes to school with her
between to chunks of bread
little miss muffet sat on a tuffet
her clothes all tattered and torn
it wasnt the spider that crept up beside her
it was little boy blue and his horn
simple simon met a pieman going to the fair
said simple simon to the pieman
what have u got there?
said the pieman unto simon
Pies you dickhead
mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon
georgie porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay
jack and jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun
jill the dill
fogot her pill
and now they have a son
little boy blew.
hey. he needed the money
How many presidential candidates does it take…
How many presidential candidates does it take to change
a light bulb?
Fewer and fewer all the time.
How they killed the "Texas Eel"
Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).
“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.
Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don’t know what
it was doing in there but it was 8″ long and 2″ wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn’t get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.
The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.
Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn’t. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn’t
come back to life again, so the battle started again.
Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.”