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She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith
and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.
Voila, one cheap wedding present.
So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove
her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith
took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady,
this can only be done so many times!”
Man�s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down
to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the
vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, “Oh
no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?”
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where
the hell have you been?”
“Well, honey, it�s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great
looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I
ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder.
“You liar! You went bowling again!”
12> [*beep*]
“Hi, this is Bob in Obituaries at the Times. Just checking.”
[*click*]11> Conversations start with, “Say you look a lot like…”
10> TV Guide crossword puzzle clue: Intern Lewinsky. Answer: NEW ER DOC.
9> “Next, a very special guest star on a very special episode of Blossom…”
8> The paparazzi yell, “Hey, you… move! You’re blocking our Ruth Buzzi shots!”
7> No one on eBay is interested in your severed penis.
6> “…and so we figured, hey, the show must go on — why NOT cast you in the role of the ‘Hey, Vern!’ guy?”
5> It’s been months since the FBI last misplaced any documents relating to your case.
4> Despite your utter lack of foolishness, you notice Mr. T pitying you.
3> Your invitation to be on Hollywood Squares says, “Hurry!”
2> Once you let the dogs out, that’s it. They’re gone.
1> No one has shot your wife in the head in *weeks*.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Manual de buenos modales ante una felaci�n.(Escrito por las mujeres).
1.- Lo primero y m�s importante: no estamos obligadas a chup�rtela. As� que si lo hacemos, s� agradecido.
2.- No me importa lo qu� viste en el v�deo porno, lo com�n no es correrse en la cara de la chica.
Apostilla al punto n�mero 2: No, tampoco me lo tengo que tragar.
3.- Mis orejas no son asideros.
4.- No me empujes la cabeza. Mi garganta tiene una capacidad limitada. �Acaso quieres que te vomite en el pito?
5.- No me importa lo mucho que te relajes, no est� bien tirarse pedos.
6.- Que tenga la regla no quiere decir que sea la semana de las mamadas. Que te entre en la cabeza: estoy congestionada y hecha polvo. As� que no me siento particularmente obligada a chup�rtela s�lo porque t� no puedas coger ahora.
7.- Decir que te duelen los huevos por el calent�n, puede que haya funcionado en la escuela, pero ya no. Si est�s tan desesperado, hazte una pu�eta y d�jame en paz con mi Syncol.
8.- Si paro un momento para quitarme tu vello p�bico de ente mis dientes, no me digas que lo ech� a perder.
9.- Dejarme en la cama para ir a jugar videojuegos inmediatamente despu�s, no es nada recomendable para que mi comportamiento (mamada) se repita en el futuro.
10.- Si te gusta c�mo lo hago, lo mejor no es especular acerca del origen de mi talento. Simplemente disfruta el momento y al�grate de que sea tan buena. Recuerda lo de ser agradecido en el punto 1.
11.- No, no sabe particularmente bien. Y no me importa el aporte nutritivo de sus prote�nas.
12.- No, no lo har� mientras ves la tele.
13.- Cuando oigas a tus amigos quejarse de que no se la chupan lo suficiente, mant�n la boquita cerrada. No es apropiado ni compadecerse ni vacilar ante ellos.
14.- Porque se te ponga dura todas las ma�anas, eso no significa que tenga que darle un ‘besito de buenos d�as’.
Yo mamma so fat bill gates couldnt pay for her liposucktion
Have you heard of the new Mexican sports car?
– Its got four on the floor and twelve in the back seat!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10”.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?””Ask you what?” replied the trucker. “If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.”Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “Gonna fuck ya anyway.”
Once, there was this girl who had no arms or legs. She
met up with this guy who she really liked and asked him out on a
date. He said yes.
On thier first date, the girl said “I’ve never been
hugged before. Would you give me a hug?”
So, the boyfriend, thinking that wasn’t too extreme went
over and gave her a hug.
A few weeks went by and they started to like each other
more and more. The girl said to the guy “I’ve never been kissed
before. Would you give me a kiss?” The guy thinks ‘well, I guess
I should. We have been dating a while’ and leans over and gives
her a kiss.
The girl thinks that things are going quite well, so
one night, on the beach, when the sun was setting, the girl says
to the guy “I’ve never been fucked before. C’mon, fuck me!” So
the guy gets up, picks her up and tosses her as far as he can
into the water and screams “NOW YOU’RE FUCKED” and walks away.
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.” The first said, “I wish I were smarter”. So she became a redhead. The second blonde said “I wish I were smarter than her.” She became a brunette. The third blond said “I wish I were smarter than both of them.” So she became a man.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”