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Help Wanted Mark as unread
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, “I have some very bad news for you. I’m afraid that you’re afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.”
So the guy asks, “Well isn’t there ANYTHING I can do, doc?”
“Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.” The doctor tells the patient.
“Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?”
“Probably not… but at least you’ll get used to being covered in dirt!”
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”
El �ltimo d�a de clases, los alumnos le llevaron regalos a la maestra: el hijo del florista le entreg� un ramo de flores y la hija del confitero, una bonita caja de bombones. En eso, el hijo del due�o de la licorer�a se acerc� cargando una caja grande y pesada. Al recibirla, la maestra se dio cuenta que algo escurr�a por la base. Con el dedo recogi� una gota del l�quido y la prob�.
“�Es vino?”, pregunta tratando de adivinar.
“No”, responde el chico.
La maestra prob� otra gota:
“�Champa�a?”
“No”.
“Me rindo, �qu� es?”
“�Un perrito!”
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
There is this man who is an Atheist. He is walking through a
forest admiring it’s beauty. He notices the trees, flowers, and
everything surrounding him. All of the sudden, a huge bear
jumps out from behind one of the bushes. He begins to chase the
man and gains ground quickly on him. He captures the man and
pins him to the ground. He is about to swipe his big paw on the
man to kill him when the man screams out, “Oh my God!!!!!” Time
freezes and God appears out of nowhere. He tells the man, “All
your life, you have never believed in me and now at this time of
need you call upon me.” The man replies, “I will never become a
Christian, but if you could do one thing for me, change the bear
into a Christian.” God, being the nice man he is, agrees and
disappears again. The bear begins to slow his paw down and the
man is relieved while at the same time the bear begins, “Dear
Lord. Please bless this food I am about to receive….”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.About a week later she’s back at the doctor and tells him, “The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table.”The doctor says, “Oh dear — I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”The lady replied, “Nah, that’s okay. We’re not welcome back at Denny’s anyway.”
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little
packages.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?A: One.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me?
*********
Dear Sir-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Yo Bitch Boy if my dog was that ugly I would shave his ass and makes him walks
backwards.