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The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman

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15. Santa *remembers* it’s Christmas. ‘Nuf said.

14. Reads children’s letters in office instead of in bathroom.

13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that’s the problem!

12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, “Regis and Santa Lee.”

11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.

10. “Mrs. Claus” wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a ’68 El Camino.

9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.

8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.

7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It’s water retention.

6. Constantly whining about equality until it’s time to clean out the reindeer stalls.

5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!

4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.

2. The North Pole Blockbuster’s been out of “The Horse Whisperer” for weeks.

1. With the way they build chimneys these days you’d *have* to be Calista friggin’ Flockhart just to get in!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Irish revenge

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There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, ‘The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, ‘The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.’

And the Irishman was thinking, ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!’

The Better Bull

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This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

Cork up your Ass

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork stuck-fast in his ass.

He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?”

The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.”

And I said, “No shit.”

Thinking Quiz

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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

“Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.”

The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” Billy asks.

“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replys. “Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. “A banana,” she says.

“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.”

“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”

“Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

Llega un mortal al cielo

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Llega un mortal al cielo y le pregunta a Dios: “Dios, �cu�nto tiempo es para ti mil a�os?”

Dios contesta: “Hijo m�o, eso es para m� como un segundo.”

El hombre se queda pensado y luego le pregunta: “Y �cu�nto ser�a para ti un mill�n de d�lares?”

Dios contesta: “Eso ser�a como un centavo.”

El hombre pensado todo eso le dice a Dios: “Dios �por qu� no me regalas un centavo?”

Dios responde: “S�, c�mo no, en un segundo…”

I’m Coming!

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A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind. Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground. He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning “I need you.”The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off. Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, “What the hell are you doing? “I got your message,” replied the foreman. “I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.”

Cuando Abraham va a la

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Cuando Abraham va a la escuela, descubre que es el �nico ni�o jud�o en la clase; pero como era un pueblo decente nadie lo molestaba. Un d�a, la maestra pregunta a la clase:

“�Qui�n es la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido y por qu�?”

Para hacerlo m�s interesante sostiene un billete de 20 d�lares en la mano y promete:

“Quien d� la mejor respuesta obtendr� estos 20 d�lares”.

Todos los ni�os empezaron a decir lo que ellos pensaban.

“George Washington, porque es el padre de los Estados Unidos”, dijo uno.

“Eso est� muy bien”.

“Abraham Lincoln, porque liber� a los esclavos”, sugiere otro.

“Muy bien”.

“Juana de Arco, porque salv� a Francia”, asegura una ni�a.

“Otra excelente opci�n”, acepta la maestra.

Entonces Abrahamcito levant� la mano. La maestra le interroga:

“Abraham, �qui�n crees que fue la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido y por qu�?”

“Jesucristo”, responde Abraham.

Impresionada, la maestra responde:

“Abraham, estoy muy sorprendida. Clase, yo creo que todos estamos de acuerdo en que Abraham es quien debe obtener estos 20 d�lares”, y le da el dinero a Abraham.

En el recreo, la maestra sigue impresionada y le pregunta a Abraham que por qu� Jes�s.

“Mire, personalmente pienso que la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido es Mois�s, pero… business are business!”

Divine Golf

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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in
the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the
center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the
green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into
the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and
straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond,
the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup
for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”